The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

[Catfish]

A man lying on the floor, a woman kneels and shouts:
"Help, we need a doctor!"
A man crossing the street answers "I am a doctor, what's up?"
Woman: "A heart attack!"
Man: "I am a doctor in gender studies!"
Woman: "He is going to die!"
Man: "He?"

[Jimbuna]

My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."

Perfect, my sister-in-law thought, and took the dog.

Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.

[Jimbuna]

[Jimbuna]

Lost in the woods, a hiker spends two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle, hits the bird with a big rock and eats it. A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the man for killing an endangered species. In court, the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.

“Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty,” says the judge. “But I have to ask—what did the eagle taste like?”

“Well, Your Honour,” the hiker replies, “it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl.”

[Jimbuna]

An adorable little girl walked into my pet shop and asked, “Excuse me, do you have any rabbits here?”

“I do,” I answered, and leaning down to her eye level I asked, “Did you want a white rabbit or would you rather have a soft, fuzzy black rabbit?”

She shrugged. “I don’t think my python really cares.”

[Jimbuna]

I like hunting fossils, a hobby that isn’t exactly my wife’s favorite. On one excursion, I found the petrified bones of a squirrel-like mammal. When I brought them home and told my wife what they were, she squealed my excitement.

“I’ve heard of many a squirrel bringing a nut home,” she remarked, “but this is the first time I’ve heard of a nut bringing a squirrel home.”

[Jimbuna]

At the end of a visit to Amsterdam, a friend borrowed an old suitcase from his hosts to carry home his souvenirs. At the airport, however, a customs officer subjected our friend’s luggage to a thorough search and even sent for a drug-sniffing dog. Sure enough, the dog entered the area, headed straight for the borrowed bag and went into a frenzy. The customs officer now intensified his search, but ultimately he found nothing.

After arriving home, the young man immediately phoned his hosts and told them how puzzled he’d been by the dog’s behavior.

“Perhaps,” the owner of the suitcase said, “it was because that’s the bag our cat usually sleeps in.”

[Aktungbby]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[Jimbuna]

Originally Posted by Aktungbby

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/show...&postcount=621

[Jimbuna]

Living in a household with eight indoor cats requires buying large amounts of kitty litter, which I usually get in 25-pound bags—100 pounds at a time. When I was going to be out of town for a week, I decided to go to the supermarket to stock up. As my wife and I both pushed shopping carts, each loaded with five large bags of litter, a man looked at our purchases and queried, “Bengal or Siberian?”

[Jimbuna]

According to the Internet: The inscription on the metal bands used by the U. S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as “Wash. Biol. Surv.”—until the agency received the following letter from an unhappy camper: “Dear Sirs: While camping last week, I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you it tasted horrible.”

The bands are now marked “Fish & Wildlife Service.”

[Jimbuna]

I was editing classified ads for a small-town newspaper when a man called to place an ad. "It should read," he said, "‘Free to good home. Golden retriever. Will eat anything, loves children.’"

[Jimbuna]

The drive-up window at the bank where I’m a teller has an outside drawer to accept customer transactions. A woman once drove up with her dog in the front passenger seat, and the pet eagerly jumped over onto the driver’s lap when the car reached my window. He looked excited to see me.

“Your dog is so friendly!” I said to the owner.

“He thinks he’s at McDonald’s,” she replied.

[Jimbuna]

On a recent trip to the post office, I took a few minutes to read the notices posted on the public bulletin board in the lobby. One in particular caught my eye.

It read “Lost in post-office parking lot, small boa constrictor, family pet, will not attack. Reward.”

Below the notice someone had written, in what appeared to be very shaky handwriting: “Please, would you mind posting another notice when you find your boa? Thank you.”