The joke thread

[TarJak]

This thread.

[Bakkels]

I always forget jokes but I remembered this one from the Sopranos:

Tony: Hey Paulie, did I ever tell you about my Indian ancestors?
Paulie: No Ton, you're part Indian? You're kidding me right?
Tony: No no, they were members of the Fagawee tribe.
Paulie: The Fagawee tribe?
Tony: Yeah, whenever they got lost in the woods, they'd go "Where the Faggawe?"

[BossMark]

The blonde cop



This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.
The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.”
“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.
The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”
“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.”

[Jimbuna]

I was in a restaurant on a blind date with some fat ugly cow, looking to escape.
Suddenly, a man on a nearby table started clutching his chest and screaming in agony.
So I put down my menu, clicked the waiter over, and said, "I'll have what he's having."

[Lord_magerius]

My wife has packed her bags and gone - just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I'm feeling canneloni right now.

[Platapus]

Originally Posted by Hottentot

@Steve and Platapus: . Thanks, my collection of Soviet jokes just improved. I wonder if I can use these in my thesis somehow...

If you are serious then try to get a copy of "Cracking jokes: Studies of sick humor cycles and stereotypes" By Alan Dundes


It is out of print but it is a good sociological study on how types of jokes come about.

It also has some really funny jokes in it also.

[Jimbuna]

My wife shivered and said, "Ooh someone's just walked over my grave."

I looked out in the back garden, no sign of any intruders.

[Platapus]

One of my all time favourites.

At the divorce trial for Mickey and Minnie Mouse

Judge: Mr. Mouse, I am afraid I can not grant you a divorce based on your claims that Minnie is insane.

Mickey: Your honour, I never said Minnie was insane. What I said was that Minnie was F-ing Goofy!

[BossMark]

Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".

[Jimbuna]

I was very happy opening Father's Day cards from my two kids today.

Not so pleased when my Thai wife sat next me, and opened one of her own.

[BossMark]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal. While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted. The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted. The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."

[Jimbuna]

I was walking down this street and this really sexy woman tells me, 'Oh my god. You are so hot. I want you to make love to me right now!'

It's true. You can ask Brad Pitt, he was right behind me.

[Schroeder]

What's the difference between Lucy and a German with humour?





Lucy has already been found.

[BossMark]

During her annual checkup, the well constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly,

"I just can't undress in front of you."

"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness:

"Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

[Platapus]

Another oldie but moldy.

The President of the United States is looking out the window of the oval office one winter morning.

He sees, written in the snow, in urine, the words "you stink"

The POTUS calls in the USSS and the FBI for a full investigation

The Director of the FBI reports, "Mr. President, I have some good news and some bad news"

"Ok, what's the good news?"

"Mr. President, we have analyzed the chemical composition of the urine and our analysis indicates it belongs to the Vice President"

"Wow, so what's the bad news?"

"Sir, it is your wife's handwriting"