The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

After browsing the restaurant menu, I had a question for the waitress. "About the salmon entrée, is that a steak or a fillet?"

"Neither," she said. "It’s a fish."

[Platapus]

Random fact: Your kitchen sink can't open a door

Let that sink in for a moment.

[Jimbuna]

An American photographer on vacation was inside Westminster Abbey taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Lincoln and there at the cathedral, he saw a similar golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in London and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled to York and Liverpool

In every Cathedral he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American then travelled to the North of England and arrived in Newcastle and as he entered the cathedral there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Reverend, I've travelled all over England and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches and it was £10,000 per call. Why is it only 50 pence here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Geordieland now, son .... it's a local call.' !!

[Jimbuna]

Two friends run into each other while walking their dogs. One suggests lunch. The other says, "They won’t let us in a restaurant with pets."

Undeterred, the first guy and his German shepherd head into the restaurant. The maître d’ stops them, saying, "Sir, you can’t bring your dog in here."

"But I’m blind," the man replies, "and this is my guide dog."

The maître d’, apologizing profusely, shows both man and dog to a table.

His friend waits five minutes, then tries the same routine. "You have a Chihuahua for a guide dog?" the skeptical maître d’ says.

"A Chihuahua?" the man says. "Is that what they gave me?"

[Jimbuna]

After a number of attempts to get the customer service agent on the phone to understand his name, my Asian American friend Appappa decided to spell it out.

"A for apple," he began. "P for pineapple, p for pineapple, a for apple, p for pineapple, p for—"

The flustered agent interrupted. "I have a better idea," she said. "Just tell me how many apples and how many pineapples."

[Jimbuna]

At the clothing store where I work, I make it a point of pride to give customers my unvarnished opinion. One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, I took one look at him and shook my head. "No, no," I said. "Those jeans look terrible on you. I’ll go get you another pair."

As I walked away, I heard him mumble, "I was trying on the shirt."

[Jimbuna]

It was a busy lunch hour, made longer by one of my customers who couldn’t make up his mind about what to order. After loudly polling everyone at his table, he asked me, "What do you think I should have?"

Before I could answer, an irritated man at the next table offered a suggestion: "How about a picnic?"

[Jimbuna]

Halfway between New York City and Washington, D.C., the train’s engine fell silent.

“I’ve got good news and bad news,” the conductor announced. “The bad news is we lost power.” My fellow passengers groaned.

“The good news,” he added, “is we weren’t cruising at 30,000 feet.”

[Jimbuna]

I provide technical support for the computer software published by my company. One day, over the phone, I was helping a customer install a product on a Macintosh. The procedure required him to delete an old file. On the Mac there is an icon of a trash can that is used to collect items to be permanently deleted.

I told the customer to click on the old file and drag it to the trash. Then I had him perform a few other steps. As a reminder, I said, "Don’t forget to empty the trash.

Obediently he replied, "Yes, dear."

[Jimbuna]

While waiting in line at the Department of Vehicle Services for my new license plate, I heard the clerk shout out, “E I E I O.” “Here,” the woman standing next to me answered.

Curious, I asked if she was married to a farmer, or maybe taught preschool.

“Neither,” she replied. “My name is McDonald.”

[Jimbuna]

A man called the phone company to complain about his listing in the directory. "I told you that my last name is Sweady," he said, "but you have it listed as Cyirwu."

"I’m sorry, sir," the phone company rep said. "I’ll fix it so it’ll be correct the next time we publish the directory. Now how do you spell your name?"

"Just like I told you before," the customer said. "It’s S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, D as in double-u and Y as in you."

[Jimbuna]

Sitting in the first row of coach class during a lengthy flight, my wife and I were able to hear a flight attendant as he pushed a wine cart down the aisle in the first-class section. “Would you care for chardonnay or burgundy?” he asked the high-paying passengers.

A few minutes later the attendant opened the curtain between the two sections, offered wine to one final first-class patron, then wheeled the same cart forward to our aisle. “Excuse me,” he said, looking down at us, “would you care for a glass of wine? We have white and red.”

[Jimbuna]

A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities. I called several hotels, with no luck.

Finally I thought I had found one. I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room.

"No," she replied, "but we have a lobby and you can wait there."

[Catfish]

The pessimist: It can't get any worse.
The optimist: Oh yes it can!

[Platapus]

Did you hear that Donald Trump is now a Vietnam war hero?

Just this week he was shot down in Hanoi.