The joke thread II

[Platapus]

A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.

The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."

"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, It is a special day for me. I am celebrating"

"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.

"What a coincidence." said the farmer.

While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."

"What a coincidence," said the man. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

"This is awesome," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

"I used a different rooster," he said.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."

[Platapus]

A young Catholic couple dies tragically in an accident on their way to be married. They find themselves talking to St Peter.

"St Peter, is there anyway we can still get married up here in heaven?"

St Peter thinks for a bit and says "I don't know. No one has ever asked me that question before. Let me go and see."

While St Peter is away, the couple starts talking about their marriage vows and they are wondering how the Until Death Do Us Part will work being that they are already dead. Up in heaven everything is for eternity. What if something happens in the relationship. Eternity is, by definition, a pretty long time.

After a long time, St Peter comes back and says "I have some good news, We worked things out and you can get married"

The couple asks St Peter "what if something happens, can we get divorced? Eternity is, by definition, a pretty long time"

St Peter slams his book down on his desk and yells. "Do you have any idea now long it took me to find a priest up here in heaven? And now you want me to find a lawyer?"

[Jimbuna]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings ." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings" The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says,
"You are now. That was a barbitchyouate .....

[Jimbuna]

It’s amazing how quickly the sales staff at Ikea come to “assist you” once you take off your trousers and get into one of their beds.

[Platapus]

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

[Catfish]

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

A bear [...] "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate ....."

[Jimbuna]

I used to think drink driving was bad but apparently my local liquor store told me that they only sell alcohol to people with driving licences.

[Platapus]

My doctor told me that my case was complicated.

When I asked why, he responded. "well, we were told that the chapter that covered your disease would not be on the test..."

[Catfish]

Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the pee is silent.

[Jimbuna]

Just started reading a book about anti-gravity. Its impossible to put down.

[Platapus]

For my latest operation on my knees, I was given a local.
The cute nurse told me that I may not feel anything below the waist.

"So just your boobs?"

[Platapus]

You know that I have this really cute doctor. It was at the end of my last examination when she told me that I needed to stop masturbating.

I asked her why?

she said, "Because I am sitting here trying to talk to you!"

[Jimbuna]

You know you’ve had a good night out when you wake up in your next door neighbours house surrounded by 20 traffic cones.

[Catfish]

What do you do with 365 used condoms?
You make a tire, and write GoodYear on it.

[Jimbuna]

I was in the park the other day wondering why radio controlled air-planes get bigger the closer they get, and then it hit me.