The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Waitress: Sorry for keeping you waiting sir.
Me: That’s ok. Did you know that this salt pot contains 22,358 individual grains of salt?

[Mr Quatro]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!!?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine".

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket"

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part.......

"Only when he's been drinking."

[Jimbuna]

Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today. Apparently security don’t like it when you shout ‘hi-Jack’.

[Jimbuna]

Feeling excited today. Just graduated from the police academy and also read in my horoscope that I’m gonna be meeting a tall dark stranger. Looking forward to trying out my new taser.

[Eisenwurst]

[Jimbuna]

If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Instead, there would just a bunch of angry countries not talking to each other.

[Jimbuna]

Twenty-six years after the Chernobyl disaster, and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.

[Jimbuna]

Ban pre-shredded cheese…. Make Britain grate again!!

[Jimbuna]

Why is it that people who own guns are considered a danger to society but it’s perfectly acceptable for someone to own a meat clever and a human-sized freezer?

[Jimbuna]

Top 5 worst things to say to airport security.

1. This pat-down is really turning me on.
2. I have a sword in my pants.
3. Would you like to buy some cocaine? I can give you a special deal.
4. Why don’t you get a real job you fat idiot?
5. Can you hurry up please? My bomb is due to explode in about 30 minutes!

[Catfish]

^ you forgot naming your son Allah Akbar, and then lose him at the airport.

[Jimbuna]

It’s sad how scary travelling has become since terrorism started.
I remember the old days when seeing an unattended bag made you feel happy because you could take it home without feeling scared and sometimes it had a laptop inside.

[Platapus]

It is easy to disprove the "flat earth" theory

If the earth were indeed flat, by now cats would have knocked everything off the earth.

[Jimbuna]

Marks and Spencer have recently announced they are going to merge with Poundstrecher.

The new supermarket will be called StrechMarks.

[Jimbuna]

The world is a funny place. We used to have Empires run by Emperors, then Kingdoms run by Kings, now we have Countries…