The joke thread II

[Platapus]

I decided to get a handgun for my wife.

All in all, it was a pretty good trade

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place between a husband and wife whilst in the bedroom.

Wife: What do you like best my face or my sexy body?
Husband: Your sense of humour.

I only know Finnish "dad jokes" but I'll translate one for you and we'll see how that sinks in:

A boy fell from the roof of a ten-storey building to the ground and survived, how's that possible?

It was a clothes peg.

[Jimbuna]

Women colour their hair, get boob-jobs, plastic surgery, liposuction, wear heels to increase their height…

Then complain that there’s no real men out there.

[Jimbuna]

Five things women love in cats but hate in men which proves they are crazy hypocrites.

1. Cats are covered in body hair.
2. Cats don’t listen.
3. Cats don’t come in when you call.
4. Cats stay out all night.
5. Cats like to be left alone and sleep all day.

[Jimbuna]

Spoke to my family today after my WiFi went down. They seem like nice people.

[Catfish]

A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers",
so I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.

[Jimbuna]

Four secrets of a happy marriage.

1. Find a woman who can cook and clean.
2. Find a woman who is an animal in bed.
3. Find a woman with lots of money.
4. Make sure none of these 3 women ever meet each-other.

[Catfish]

IS and Al Quaeda wonder why they do not have been invited to the White House yet.

[Jimbuna]

A scientific survey recently revealed a horrifying statistic that 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That means that 75% of women are running around untreated!

[Eisenwurst]

Q. What's the closest thing to silver?

A. The Lone Ranger's bum.

[AVGWarhawk]

A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to again take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her embarrassment she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!" The guy smiled and drawled, "Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we were friends."

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place between a husband and wife.

Wife: How many women have u slept with?
Husband: Only you darling, I was awake with the other women.

[Jimbuna]

Went on a date with a girl and I told her to text me when she got home. It’s been 3 weeks now and I still haven’t got a text, I think she must be homeless.

[magic452]

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven, where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit."That's really nice," says Bill. "Where did you get it?""Actually," says the man, "I was given 50 of these, plus two mansions, a yacht, a golf course and four Rolls Royces.""Wow, were you a pope or a doctor healing the terminally ill?" asks Bill. "No, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Bill storms off to see Saint Peter. "How come the captain of a sunken ship gets all that while I, the inventor of the Windows Operating System gets a crummy little house?" he asks.

Saint Peter replies, "The Titanic only crashed once."



Magic