Subsim Fantasy Football Reports

[Gut Wrench]

Two weeks ago I'd been lying in wake in the depth of the Atlantic, embedded with the Kreigsmarine during what they called "the happy times". A codded message had come through and I'd been left behind at a milchcow, to be picked up by army transport. For a week I criss crossed oceans and frontlines, slowly making my way to the America seaboard, and then, inland to Las Vegas.

The assignment: cover a new outbreak of the submarine war. I had to check my atlas first, but sure enough, my informants were correct, the Nevada desert was about to erupt, before it would spread across the nation and international borders, to become an intense 16 week fight for some, while others would have to slog it out until late January.

The Subsimmers were coming, and had moved into the fantasy football league.

Commissioner McBee had bought out the Las Vegas MGM Grand for the draft, and spared no expense at accommodating the new arrivals. There was some concern that the valets may not be able to park the Type VII's, but Donald Trump was able to secure nearby parking at no cost to the League.

I arrived the night before, and the League saw to it that all the media were treated like kings. Roman Kings, the girls from Ceasers more then happy to join a few of the celebrities in a late night toga party. In the morning though, it was all business, as the 16 team owners arrived, with their accompanying entourage, staked their place at reserved tables, an open bar tab, and the draft being carried live on Subsim TV.

In true dynamic fashion, the opening was resplendent, including a fly over by the Thunderbirds. The indoor pyrotechnic show went off, and from the showering flames, emerged the Commissioner to a standing ovation.

A mix up in press credentials had me sitting beside Pat Summerall and John Madden, doing the special broadcast for SubSim TV. The opportunity was too great to resist, and when I asked John, he said "the bus was late getting in, but there was no way I would miss this draft." Later in the broadcast, he began drawing circles on the TV, so they cut to a commercial.

Behind the owners at their tables, sat the many former, current, and upcoming stars of the NFL. Even the prison team had their own table, with everyone in a three piece orange suite, with Michael Vick honorary Captain of the team that included Plexico Burress.

After the formalities, the Commissioner moved aside and retired to his table complete with the finalists from Miss Boston Terrier. And suddenly, we were down to business.

There were no surprises with the first few drafts, the purple Jesus Adrian Peterson, Maurice Two Dads, and Larry Fitzgerald going early. LT was drafted by one of the international teams, but otherwise, the opening round went by the numbers.

The second round was a mixed bag, with WR and RB being traded among the first QB pick of Drew Brees. Following the obligatory "Go Daddy" wet tshirt competition, it was late in round 4 before the surprises begun. The value of a TE rose to match QB status, and from the second level of the car park, you could hear the howls of glee as the Detroit Lions defensive team were picked. (Their table had been moved out there to make way for extra vacant space on the draft floor.)

Strategists and owners conversed as each player was selected, amid the occasional "Oh crap" and "Damm, I was just going to pick him." Surprisingly, one owner even quiped that there was no way he would draft anyone from Satan's Team, not two minutes before selecting a Cowboy.

Jason Elam was the first kicker selected, as the bench players started to saddle up, collecting their new uniforms, and be paraded for photographers. Not many left the draft early, and some of the players stayed on afterward in attempts to increase their value.

At the end of the day, the largest SubSim League Draft ever was over, and the owners returned to their respective rooms, accompanied by Hooters, Go Daddy and other "wannabe seen with you" girls entourage, to plot out, the forthcoming 16 week war.

For the SubSim network, Gut Wrench, Las Vegas, Nevada.

[FIREWALL]

[Gut Wrench]

The pre season frilly dates are over, and it's down to business. The real games are about to begin.

But hold the phone, let's not assume that the "silly season" is restricted just to the month of December. Owner of the "The Ded Poets" was slow awakening this morning to the news that on both sides of the line of scrimmage, he's lost two keys members of his team. Back Up QB for the Poets - Jeff Garcia, in perhaps the ultimate symbol of "career over" has been cut by his feeder team, the Raiders. A little further south his defence may also be in trouble, this time with the law as Shaun Merriman is arrested overnight in a domestic dispute.

The arrest of Merriman adds substance to next week's Match of the Day, when last years Subsim Bowl winner, the Dragons host the Ded Poets.

[Chad]

Well done Gut Wrench. I was in the chatroom, as the Green Beans are going all the way this year

[Gut Wrench]

COMMISIONER McBEE END PLAYERS STRIKE.
"I don't care who they are, get out there and play football."


Commissioner McBee has put his beer down and forced the last three "hold outs" of the Subsim League to "surface" and put their players forward for the first round of the year.

At a televised conference, Commissioner McBee (surrounded by a bevy of Miss Universe contestants who didn't make the final round) delivered an awe inspiring speach.

"I don't care who they are" he shouted in the microphone, slamming his beer down but not spilling a drop. "Get out there and play football."

The Commissioners' action brings all four divisions of the Subsim League into focus, and betting at the Subsim Gaming Lounge reflected this.

Pit Boss Cowboy Neal reported that a lot of money has been placed on the Dragons to win the Old Schooners Division, and to take the Title. The Surface Skimmers Division looks to be a two horse race between the Mudville 9 and the Helmand Nighthawks pending injuries. Most of the money has been wagered in the Norris Division, where all four franchises are heavily backed. The Sub Simmers Division hasn't seen a lot of money, most punters waiting to see how the foreign based teams tackle the arduous traveling schedule.

With all 16 teams now finalized for Week One, Subsim Scheduling sees the Match of the Day to be Show Me Your TD's, lead by Ben "You'll Not Get My Apology" Roethlisburger at home to the Miners, with starting QB Tony "Who's Jessica" Romo.

[mr chris]

Great stuff Gut Wrench

I wonder if the Commissioner can get the legend that is Chuck to present the trophy to the winner of the Norris division at the end of the season.

[Gut Wrench]

SHOOT OUT IN WEEK ONE.
"Who invited these guys" snarls 0-1 owner.


It took five days, a shoot out in both Massachusetts and Oakland, but finally, we have a better picture after Week One of just how cruel the draft can be.

The defending Subsim Torpedo Bowl Champions, the Dragons, with QB Phillip Rivers and WR Larry Fitzgerald, failed to live up to their first and second round draft picks, falling short in their first game.

Owner RickC was heard to say "It's week one and you're crazy if you think we're out of it already" he mused, pushing aside the paparazzi upon leaving the Monday Night game.

It was big scores across the league with the high scoring games of the Mudville Nine at the BP Badasses combining for over 201 points.

The week was not without it's surprises however. In the significantly stronger Norris Division, all the local teams sustained a loss, handing the Dead Poets, the division lead. The Dead Poets are one of three international teams, the other teams of Helmand Nighthawks and the Australian Taipans also scoring wins in week one. All three international teams host their first home game next week.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

In week one, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present, for his performance of 6 passing touchdowns and 358 passing yards, QB Drew Brees of the Green Beans, the Week One MVT.

[Gut Wrench]

100 POINTS SHOULD GET A WIN.
...except in week two.


"In any given week, if your team can score 100 points, you should get a win," Coach AraMike was heard to say. "But not today."

Both Every Given Sunday and the Miners were outscored over the 100 point mark, the Miners falling to the Cyprus based Nighthawks, who become one of three internationally based teams to move to 2-0. In so doing, it sets up two top of the table contests, the Ded Poets against the Green Beans and the Nighthawks against the Australian Taipans, who blew out their opposition by 60 points.

But the Taipans' have been the fuse that brought about a schedule adjustment, when they discovered that their opposition wasn't ranked correctly. Commissioner McBee has acted and reshuffled some of the late season games, and in turn, given a dream run into the finals to the Surface Skimmers two horse race, the Nighthawks and the Mudville Nine.

Defending Torpedo Bowl Champions the Dragons earned their first win of the season, dropping the Wild Boston Terriers into a gaggle of four teams at 0-2 looking for their first win. When asked, all four owners had the same response.

"We're just getting started, there's plenty of time left."

Some owners were counting their wins a little early this week. The Sunday afternoon games weren't even into the second half before Coach Casey of the Mudville Nine was proclaiming a win. The Canadian based Dead Poets would have none of it, and with three minutes remaining in the Monday Night game, the Mudville team finally fell to the Dead Poets.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

In week two, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present, for his performance of scoring 27 points and lifting them to their first win, WR Steve Smith of the Huge Manatee, the Week Two MVT.

[Gut Wrench]

THEN THERE WERE TWO.
...accompanied with lots of cliche's.


The big match up between the top four teams has not lived up to the expected hype, with both games being virtually one sided affairs. The only surprise of the a meeting between the top 4 is that the two winners....are both from overseas.

The Canadian Ded Poets accounted for the number one ranked Green Beanz by setting a new blow out points scoring record, completely dominating their opposition 123.13 - 54.54.

From their Kansas City base, Coach Chad responded to the loss.
"Naturally, we like to bank on wins at home, but in fairness, they came in and just played better football then us."

In Cyprus, Coach Pioneer of the Australian Taipans spoke to the media after their 109.99 - 77.77 loss.

"We have been decimated by injuries this week, but we just need to get back to basics. We didn't score on TD inside the Red Zone, and we can't pass up those opportunities."

The win lifts the Helmand Nighthawks to 3-0 and cements them as the number one seed in the league. The schedule though does not have the Nighthawks playing the Ded Poets in the regular season. The twin defeat of both the Beans and Taipans shuffls the Sub Simmers division, with three teams tied at 2-1. There is a small amount of controversy after it was revealed that both the Beans and the Taipans have been incorrectly scored an additional 100 points against them.

In the first two weeks one team stood out as having the toughest schedule and narrowly missing on two wins. The Wild Boston Terriers showed they were in for the championship handing the Reapers some significant terrier snoring and gas.

"They really took it to us," Coach McBee said after the game. "We knew we were in a fight but we played hard, stayed with our gameplan, and grateful to come away with the win."

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

In week three, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present, for his performance of scoring 24 points, 269 yards passing, 38 yards rushing including a TD, and putting them back into competition of the Sub Simmers division, QB Aaron Rodgers of the Every Given Sunday, the Week Three MVT.

[Gut Wrench]

DED POETS STAND ALONE.
Undefeated!


A third of the way through the Subsim Fantasy League race to the Torpedo Bowl and the Ded Poets have emerged as the only undefeated team, pummeling Phants Rage 134.26 - 27.43. In so doing, The Ded Poets set a new league blow out record, eclipsing the previous record set the week prior by the Poets.

"It's nice to be the best so far," their coach was heard to say. "But we're coming into the ugly schedule, just look at Mookie's avatar."

Phants Rage QB Dante Caulpepper was heard to say after the game "We were beaten worst then a Raiders Assistant Coach" as they slump to 0-4.

In a wild week of scoring where 72 points gave the Miners a win, 102 points was not enough for Helmans Nighthawks as they fell to the #13 ranked Collared Greenz by 16 points. Coach 1480 of the Greens was partying hard after the win, shouting "More beer, more beer", in anticipation of their match up next week with the Drunk Ground Hogs.

After starting the season with a loss, the former championship team Dragons have quietly stepped out to 3-1 in their division, but close behind them at 2-2 are the Miners. The Dragons and Miners meet each other (with the exception of a Wild Night in Bangkok) next week.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

In week four, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present, for the effort of 8 sacks, 1 interception, 1 fumble recovery, and 1 safety, the Viking defensive unit of the Mudville Nine, the Week Four MVT.





Edit: pressed publish instead of preview.....trying to meet deadline.

[Gut Wrench]

POETS FALL.
Spanked On Their Divisional Badass!


Week 5 in the Subsim Torpedo League and the #1 ranked team has fallen. Spanked by the #7 ranked BP Badasses 96.07/84,38 the Poets never even looked lyrical as they suffered their first defeat of the season.

"The bye was not our friend this week," their coach was heard to sob into his hard earned end of game beer. "But, we're still number one."

The Poets at 4-1 lead the intense Norris Division, one game ahead of their divisional rivals. The Wild Boston Terriers improved to 3-2 accounting for Phants Rage fifth consecutive loss of the season. The Basasses win over the Poets move them to 3-2 while the Collared Greenz upset loss to the Drunk Ground Hogs, drops them to 2-3.

In week five, a total of five games hung in the balance until the last quarter of the Monday Night. In fact, so close was one game, that Coach Pioneer threw a red flag 20000km to challenge a Braylon Edwards (Green Beans) touchdown, only to have his own Thomas Jones (Taipans) finish off the score. The Taipans finish the night 1 yard short of taking the division lead.

In a round of upsets, #13 team Show Me Your Td's plucked the #2 team, Helmand Nighthawks, when their defense failed to score a point, allowing the TD's to win 105.74/95.74 The win for Mookie closes up the Sub Simmers division into a three way tie.

Ever so quietly, in the Old Schooners Division, the defending Dragons have quietly improved to 4-1, leading the division and asserting themselves as a potential threat as the # 3 team in the league.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

In week five, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present, for the effort of 5 sacks, 1 fumble recovery, and 1 safety, and lifting them to their first win, the Panther defensive unit of the Drunk Ground Hogs, is the Week Five MVT.




As a sidenote, you have no idea how hard it is to write a weekly fantasy report when the results of five games changed seven times in the last quarter of Monday Night Football.

[Chad]

Hey glad you do, keep up the good work

[mr chris]

Great Stuff. I always look forward to reading each weeks reports.

[nikimcbee]

When your wide recievers have a total of >60 points combined, you can't go wrong.

[Gut Wrench]

WILD SIX.
Let the shoot outs begin.


Week 6 in the Subsim Torpedo League and high flying scores continue. Helmands Nighthawks 154, BP Badasses 141.44, and Green Beans 130.88. In a wild week of shoot outs across the leagues, the end results are not much clearer then they were a week ago. And the frustration is beginning to set in.

Coach Mookie of Show Me Your TD's; "I have 5 of 7 players in double digits, my defence scores 25 points in a 59-0 blowout, and I still loose." Coach Rick of the league leading 4-2 Dragons who lost to the number 11 team "That's part of the Doh factor in this game." And then we have Coach Pioneer of the Australian Taipans, who has listed his three wide receivers on Ebay for a minimum bid of $1.

Although expected to be a huge week, no body expected the major blow outs of the Giants - Saints, Patriots - Titans and the surprise upset of the Raiders - Eagles game.

In an exclusive interview, former all time great Coaches Bill Cowper, Jimmy Johnson and John Madden all reminded the league that on a wild weekend, there's little you can carry into the next week, irrespective of what elevated ratings might say. Bill Walsh naturally had little to say, but claimed he'd get back to us Halloween night.

The week of big scores though has had a significant impact on the strong Norris Division. The Poets having lead the division, now stand 4-2 and on the point of post season relegation to the consolation series, having sustained two divisional games losses. The Wild Boston Terriers having lost the first two games of the season, now lead the division 4-2 with 2 divisional game wins.

The Dragons, last years Torpedo Bowl winners, despite the loss have quietly opened up a one game lead in the Old Schoolers division on the Reapers and Miners who squabble at 3-3. The Surface Skimmers Division remains a two horse race between the Nighthawks and the Mudville Nine, with the Huge Manatee and Phant's Rage wrestling for first pick of the draft next year.

The Sub Skimmers Division is a wild affair, with all four teams tied at 3-3, and seperated by just 35 points in the fore/against. With a mixed bucket of divisional games played, it's impossible to pick a clear leader from the four.

The all knowing Neal Steven (who else would have picked the Raiders over the Eagles) has chaired a panel and at the end of Week 6, predicted the regular season divisional winners.

1. Dragons
2. Helmand Nighthawks.
3. Wild Boston Terriers.
4. Every Given Sunday.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

In week six, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present, for the effort of 300 yards, 2 passing TD's, 34 rushing yards and topping the league leading Dragons, QB Jay Cutler of the Collared Greenz is the Week Six MVT.