The joke thread II - Page 29

Catfish · 10-08-18, 02:53 PM

Two pilots meet.

130 dead.

Eisenwurst · 10-08-18, 05:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mikesn9

I'm lost.. I guess it doesn't happen here.. or at least to me..

OK. Down here there's a lot of people that don't like pickles on their burgers ( poor dears life's tough isn't it ) so they take them off and throw them on the roof!!!!! or other imaginative vandalism - stuck to windows, under tables, etc.

There was once a whole Big Mac wedged inside a porthole in a Nautical themed Maccas. I think the staff approved cause it was there for a whole year before it was cleaned up.

Platapus · 10-10-18, 03:53 PM

My doctor called and told me he had some great news for me.

Evidently not only will his paper be published, but he will be naming the disease after me.

Catfish · 10-11-18, 08:56 AM

Have you seen the chocolate?
Shortly.

Platapus · 10-12-18, 01:51 PM

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

Platapus · 10-14-18, 02:51 PM

I came from a tough neighborhood.

Instead of using chalk to play hopscotch, we used it to play body outline.

It was a tough neighborhood

Catfish · 10-15-18, 04:54 AM

Presidents Bush, Obama and Trump have died, and are being questioned by god whether they are allowed to enter paradise.

So he first asks Bush what his personal beliefs are:
Bush: "I believe in a free market economy, that all american citizens are happy and content, and a strong America."

God: "Ok, you can enter. Next Obama please."
"I believe in international trade, equality for all US citizens before law, a strong America, and world peace.

God: "Alright, you can enter. Now Mr. Trump, what do you believe in?"
"I believe you are sitting on my chair."

u crank · 10-15-18, 05:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Catfish

God: "Alright, you can enter. Now Mr. Trump, what do you believe in?"
"I believe you are sitting on my chair."

That's pretty good.

Platapus · 10-15-18, 04:20 PM

I grew up in a tough neighborhood

Instead of lemonade stands, the kids used to make money setting up ammunition stands

It was a tough neighborhood.

Aktungbby · 10-16-18, 02:22 AM

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

Jimbuna · 10-16-18, 02:19 PM

Before I die I’m gonna swallow a whole bag of popcorn kernels.

My cremation is gonna be epic.

Platapus · 10-16-18, 03:44 PM

Five years ago I asked my heartthrob out for a date
one year ago I asked her to marry me

She said no both times.

Jimbuna · 10-17-18, 08:58 AM

People are really strange. When you scream in a library they tell you to shut up but when you do it on an airplane everyone joins in.

Platapus · 10-17-18, 04:48 PM

To be honest, I am not fond of Threesomes

If I am going to disappoint multiple women at the same time, I might as well have dinner with my wife and her family.

Eisenwurst · 10-17-18, 07:18 PM

Scam artists once rang me and informed me ... "you've won an all expenses paid holiday etc". BS by the truckload...."and who do you plan to take, your wife or your girlfriend?"

I said I'll take my girlfriend, the wife can stay at home and look after the kids.

10-08-18, 02:53 PM	#421
Catfish Dipped Squirrel Operative Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: ..where the ocean meets the sky Posts: 16,894 Downloads: 38 Uploads: 0	Two pilots meet. 130 dead. __________________ >^..^<*)))>{ All generalizations are wrong.

10-10-18, 03:53 PM	#423
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,939 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	My doctor called and told me he had some great news for me. Evidently not only will his paper be published, but he will be naming the disease after me. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-11-18, 08:56 AM	#424
Catfish Dipped Squirrel Operative Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: ..where the ocean meets the sky Posts: 16,894 Downloads: 38 Uploads: 0	Have you seen the chocolate? Shortly. __________________ >^..^<)))>{ All generalizations are wrong. Last edited by Catfish; 10-11-18 at 11:07 AM.*

10-12-18, 01:51 PM	#425
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,939 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-14-18, 02:51 PM	#426
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,939 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I came from a tough neighborhood. Instead of using chalk to play hopscotch, we used it to play body outline. It was a tough neighborhood __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-15-18, 04:54 AM	#427
Catfish Dipped Squirrel Operative Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: ..where the ocean meets the sky Posts: 16,894 Downloads: 38 Uploads: 0	Presidents Bush, Obama and Trump have died, and are being questioned by god whether they are allowed to enter paradise. So he first asks Bush what his personal beliefs are: Bush: "I believe in a free market economy, that all american citizens are happy and content, and a strong America." God: "Ok, you can enter. Next Obama please." "I believe in international trade, equality for all US citizens before law, a strong America, and world peace. God: "Alright, you can enter. Now Mr. Trump, what do you believe in?" "I believe you are sitting on my chair." __________________ >^..^<*)))>{ All generalizations are wrong.

10-15-18, 04:20 PM	#429
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,939 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I grew up in a tough neighborhood Instead of lemonade stands, the kids used to make money setting up ammunition stands It was a tough neighborhood. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-16-18, 02:22 AM	#430
Aktungbby Gefallen Engel U-666 Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: On a tilted, overheated, overpopulated spinning mudball on Collision course with Andromeda Galaxy Posts: 27,842 Downloads: 22 Uploads: 0	At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for. I decided to stop calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning. Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice. __________________ "Only two things are infinite; The Universe and human squirrelyness; and I'm not too sure about the Universe"

10-16-18, 02:19 PM	#431
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,102 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Before I die I’m gonna swallow a whole bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation is gonna be epic. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-16-18, 03:44 PM	#432
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,939 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	Five years ago I asked my heartthrob out for a date one year ago I asked her to marry me She said no both times. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-17-18, 08:58 AM	#433
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,102 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	People are really strange. When you scream in a library they tell you to shut up but when you do it on an airplane everyone joins in. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-17-18, 04:48 PM	#434
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,939 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	To be honest, I am not fond of Threesomes If I am going to disappoint multiple women at the same time, I might as well have dinner with my wife and her family. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-17-18, 07:18 PM	#435
Eisenwurst Silent Hunter Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 3,593 Downloads: 58 Uploads: 0	Scam artists once rang me and informed me ... "you've won an all expenses paid holiday etc". BS by the truckload...."and who do you plan to take, your wife or your girlfriend?" I said I'll take my girlfriend, the wife can stay at home and look after the kids. __________________