The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe that cloning machine worked!”

[Platapus]

Joesph thinking about Mary

I did not have sex with her

She gets pregnant

Three strange men come over and bring gifts when the baby is born

Claims that it's the son of god.

Seems legit.

[Jimbuna]

Went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a loaf of bread, the birds were all over me.

[Platapus]

After my recent prostate exam, which was one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had, the doctor left and the nurse came in.

As she shut the door, she asked me a question.

She said...."Who was that guy?"

[Jimbuna]

My psychiatrist says I have a fear of speed bumps but now I’m slowly beginning to get over it.

[Platapus]

Not so much a joke, but a humourous look at growing older

My name is Sally and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first
appointment with a new dentist, when I noticed his diploma on the wall.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome young man with the same name, who
had been in my secondary school class forty something years before. Could
he be the same person who I had had a secret crush on all those years
ago? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly forgot any such thought. This
balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to
have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Range Court
school.

"Yes, yes, I did," he said with pride.

"When did you leave to go to university?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1972. Why do you ask?"

"I think you were in my class at school" I replied.

He looked at me very closely. Then that bald, wrinkled, decrepit old
man, said, "I'm sorry, I don't remember you. What did you teach?"

[Jimbuna]

[Jimbuna]

Went shopping last week to try and find some camouflage trousers, couldn’t find any.

[Platapus]

A man is seeking to join the Police department.

The Sergeant doing the interview says:

"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot

One Unarmed Teenage Black man
One Diabetic having an emergency
One Mentally Ill man who does not understand English
and one Rabbit. "

The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"

"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[Jimbuna]

Just invented an invisibility cloak. Everything you cover becomes invisible.
Unfortunately you can still see the cloak itself so further work is needed.

[Jimbuna]

Got some extra sensitive toothpaste the other day. It gets really jealous if I use other toothpastes.

[Jimbuna]

I almost died today because of my stupid doctor. He told me I should get off the bus one stop early to get some exercise. I ended up walking 50 miles after catching the Megabus.

[Jimbuna]

Once I saved a girl from a fire-breathing dragon and all she could say was “You need to fix your drug problem”.

[Platapus]

For 25 years, my wife and I were the happiest two people in the world. Then we met.

[Jimbuna]

Twenty years ago I used to feel like I was a man trapped inside a woman’s body but then I finally decided to come out of my mum and I was born.