The joke thread

[BossMark]

Thought I would start this so lets try and keep it clean

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette. When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,

"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try. The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.
Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

[Dowly]

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=site%3Asubsim.com+joke+thread

[Platapus]

My girlfriend likes to talk dirty to me during sex.

Last night she called me from her hotel room.

(with a nod to Rodney Dangerfield)

[frau kaleun]

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

[Flaxpants]

Q: What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A: A Labrador

[Hottentot]

Originally Posted by Flaxpants

Q: What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A: A Labrador

Along the same lines, I picked this piece of wisdom up from somewhere in the net: "To err is human, to really screw up you need a retriever."

It's funny because it's true.

[antikristuseke]

An irishman walks out of a bar.

[Jimbuna]

Noah's diary : Day 39.
Unicorn pie is delicious!

[Herr-Berbunch]

This one is taken from a GCSE exam paper my wife marked last week.

Three old ladies sat on a park bench.

The first one says, "I remember when we used to grow all our own food, and we had onions this big!" cupping her hands the size of a large onion.

The second one says, "I remember growing cucumbers this big!" holding her hands apart the size of a large cucumber.

The third says, "I may be deaf, but I know the bloke you're on about!".


Sadly, he didn't gain any extra marks

[THE_MASK]

A grizzly bear walks into a bar and says i would like a beer.
The barman says sorry we dont serve bears here.
The bear gets really angry and bites a big chunk out of the bar .
Now will you serve me the grizzly says .
The barman says i told you once we dont serve bears or drug addicts in this bar .
The grizzly says what are you talking about , drug addicts !
The barman says what about that bar bit you ate .

[Sailor Steve]

*groan*

[Jimbuna]

I've just found out I'll be going to watch the shooting events at the 2012 Olympics for free....

They are being held on an East London Council estate.

[AVGWarhawk]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
A Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like
to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight
started...

________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said,
"Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0
to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight
started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

_________________________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one of the seven ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started

[Jimbuna]

I tried to text my girlfriend last night to say 'sorry babe. I can't come over tonight. I have to work. I'll see you next week'

After I sent it I read it back and it said 'Susan, I don't see this relationship working. I am going to dump you in a public place next week. We won't see each other until a night out in three months when we will have some drunken sex and both feel horrible the morning after.'

Then I realised I had predictive text on.

[BossMark]

The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy. You go first."

Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court."

The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Benjamin."

Tyrone stands up and says, "My name's Benjamin. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m... f-a-r-n... f-n..."

The teacher says, "Benjamin, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Angelo."

Angelo stands up and says, "My name's Angelo. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you nine-to-five odds Benjamin ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."