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Old 04-14-19, 07:56 AM   #8356
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They call it "fell asleep" but it should be more like "entered a mental state of regeneration."
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Old 04-15-19, 12:07 PM   #8357
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Lies I tell myself: Just one more cookie. Just one more movie. Just one more minute.
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Old 04-16-19, 10:32 AM   #8358
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Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it's only Thursday.
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Old 04-16-19, 12:06 PM   #8359
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"Cabinet minister David Lidington" anagrams to "Goddamnit! It isn't invincible, dear."
Coincidence?
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Old 04-17-19, 07:14 AM   #8360
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Did you just fall? No, I was checking if gravity still works.
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Old 04-19-19, 07:47 AM   #8361
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People say I act like I don't care. It's not an act.
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Old 04-19-19, 12:06 PM   #8362
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WHEN THEY BURY U IN AUSTRALIA PEOPLE REFRAIN FROM SAYING 'DOWN UNDER'; IT'S CONSIDERED REDUNDANT
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Old 04-20-19, 07:35 AM   #8363
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I know my limits. I don't always obey them, but I know them.
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Old 04-21-19, 07:24 AM   #8364
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That moment the doorbell rings and you tip toe to the window pretending you're not home.
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Old 04-22-19, 02:03 PM   #8365
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I like my coffee so strong that it wakes up the neighbours.
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Old 04-22-19, 07:24 PM   #8366
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"Tiffany's" don't do breakfast.
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Old 04-23-19, 11:59 AM   #8367
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That awkward shopping moment when someone is standing in front of the items you need and you pretend you're shopping for something else because they just won't budge.
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Old 04-24-19, 08:19 AM   #8368
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I'm on that new diet where you eat anything you want and you pray for a miracle.
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Old 04-24-19, 11:44 AM   #8369
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/\ that it all comes out well
in the end!
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Old 04-25-19, 09:40 AM   #8370
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Don't worry, better days are coming. They are called Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
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