2018 Subsim Fantasy Football Season - It Begins

[Gut Wrench]

IT'S BACK!
Are you ready for some (make believe) football?

Yes, get ready for 16 of the most frustrating weeks you can ever imagine. It's just 48 days until the kickoff of the 2018 Subsim.com Fantasy Football league.

Draft day is Saturday 25 August, 2018 at 0900 PDT.


https://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/f1/155741/invitation?key=1a4f658f28bfc2e5&soc_trk=lnk&ikey=c 014dd90c225dd4c


Invitations are extended to the Subsim Community to join the fracas that is the Subsim.com Fantasy Football league. We are looking to expand with an additional four (4) teams this year.

If you've ever wanted to be part of a pretend fantasy empire - this is the year for you (looking at Eichhornchen to add another international team).

There is a guaranteed position for all former players.

[Gargamel]

Well, my work schedule is a lot more accommodating this year..... so...... *sigh*...... ok. At worst I'll do a decent draft and y'all will have a decent ghost team to play against.



But if we fill up and there's more wanting to get in, I'll bow out, but count me in otherwise.

[Gut Wrench]

Well folks, the Commissioner has outdone himself this year in landing a venue for the most important 2018 Subsim Fantasy Football Draft which is, how shall I say, out of this world.


Ladies and Gentleman, this years draft will take place aboard,


The International Space Station.









On Wednesday afternoon, each of the coaches and a guest will lift over and rendezvous with the ISS (international Space Station) approximately three hours later. There, they will be met by the ISS Fantasy Football Committee who have prepared the venue for this event. The event will be broadcast live across the world on the morning on Saturday 25 August 2018.



The coaches and their guests will each receive round trip travel and accommodation aboard the ISS for the duration of the event. At the same time, a ballroom at Disneyland California will host the support services and players expected to be drafter during this event.


The ISS will be visible from the earth during the draft, and an estimated 7 Billion are excepted to be looking to the skies to ask the question, "will a defense be the fourth pick of the draft?' The actual flight path of the ISS is subject to change as NASA have three scheduled launches in support of the 2018 Subsim.com Fantasy Football Draft.



It's not too late for you to join our esteemed coaches as there are four more seats still available to join the Subsim.com Fantasy Football League prior to the draft.


Click the above link, name your team, and get ready for some football.

[Gut Wrench]

12 hours until Draft Day.


It's not too late for you to join, we have one more craft on the launchpad waiting to transport you to the IS.

[Gut Wrench]

...and the first pick of the draft will be taken by





The Drunk Monkeys.

[Gut Wrench]

The 2018 draft is over and the return flight from the ISS is a lot lighter than expected.


Accolades have been awarded to the Who Dat Nation, the defending champions after having the best draft class. The Nation are in the Sub Skimmers division with the Helmand Nighthawks and the Black Cats, easily, the hardest division of the two to win.


Over in the Surface Skimmers, both the Guns of Hochuli and the Australian Taipans drafted a lot of already injured or suspended players. Expect to see some movement in their teams as we continue to work through the preseason.


Each week, come back her for the game results where we'll give the highs, lows, and the embarrassments of the 16 most frustrating weeks of the year....since last year.

[Eichhörnchen]

I still have no idea just what the heck this is all about... are there any squirrels in it?

[Gargamel]

Missed the draft, due to a girl. Which was a very good thing. Especially cause she may be the biggest football and hockey nut I have ever met. Watch out guys, I got me an assistant coach.

[Gut Wrench]

Nighthawks Take Off
Obliterate the Nation

Here we go folks, it's Week One in the Subsim Fantasy Football League.

But hold the phone - and not for John Gruden (Tony Romo replacement - ehhhh). There's controversy before we even get the first game of the year started.

This Years Draft was held aboard the International Space Station and the divisions were aligned. The Sub Simmers Division is made up of the Helmand Nighthawks, the Who Dat Nation and the Black Cats. Between these three teams, they own five of the last six years Torpedo Bowl Championships. In the Surface Skimmers Division, the three teams are the the Drunk Monkeys the Australian Taipans and the Guns of Hochuli - the Gunners being the only team to have ever won a Torpedo Bowl.

There has been an international outcry, with the Commissioner receiving telephone calls from @therealdonaldtrump, #TheQueen and several squirrels. The backlash of putting the three strongest teams in the same division has never been higher.

The Commissioner has been in a number of talks and to prevent the previous years Torpedo Bowl participants form reappearing in the same division, they will be separated as of next year.

"It's all about bringing balance to the universe," The Commissioner is quoted at a recent press conference.

Now that we have next years divisional alignment completed, let's look at this years immediate controversies.

But before we get into this weeks highlights, here's the most important message you need to hear.



DONATE TO SUBSIM...AND NOMINATE SUBSIM FANTASY FOOTBALL FOR BEST OF SUBSIM.

On the eve of Patriot Day, we remember the word of our first Patriots on United #93 - "let's roll".

Phone call for Le'Von Bell, Mister Bell, phone call."

Crickets.

Having been drafted by the Black Cats as their first overall pick, Bell is currently on a hold out. His current contract with the Cats has not been inked. It is rumored that Bell wants a Subsim Tshirt, a Subsim calendar and a Subsim mug. Coach FYC has asked Bell to buy his own stuff form the Subsim Store, but Bell has refused to.

As we go through the games, Bell's absence becomes pivotal for the Black Cat game.

Let's go around the grounds and work out what happened.

In Wembley, England, the Helmand Nighthawks got to open their season against their Torpedo Bowl opponents the Who Dat Nation. The Nation, after having been graded as having the best draft, got sunk by the Nighthawks. The Nighthawks put up a season opening record score, and the second highest score of all time. The damage could have been greater had the Nighthawks not started the Chargers (DEF) which resulted in a negative score. The Who Dat Nation were outplayed both through the air and on the ground, with their only bright spot being Antonio Brown (WR) for 24 points. The Nighthawks serve notice in week one that they want the Torpedo Bowl with a demolition of the Who Dat Nation 211 - 129.

In a surprising turn of events, the Drunk Monkeys showed up for their first away game at the Guns of Hochuli. The Monkeys have been a dormant team for the last few seasons, but, they have still managed to have a hand in the final standings, stealing important wins when they had not business doing so, disrupting the post season. The Gunners under Coach Casey have been the third best team in the league for the past seven years, the unfortunate victim in two seasons of the Monkeys stolen wins. Not this week though. Coach Casey was having none of the hype surrounding the joint ownership of the Drunk Monkeys between Coach Thad and some mystery woman. As if to impress the royalty, Michael Thomas (WR) finally showed up for the Monkeys after seasons of disappointment to put up 44 points. The Monkeys though still need to expand out from a one dimensional team as the Gunners ground game just ran roughshod over the Drunk Monkeys. Guns of Hochuli open the season with a convincing win over the Drunk Monkeys with a 186-154 point victory.

Our final game was the Black Cats hosting the Australian Taipans. The Cats have had their in house tremors with Bell and the Taipans came in to capitalize on that disruption. The Cats and Taipans have met n opening day for the last three years with the Taipans holding a 2-1 advantage. Drew Brees (QB) stated that if he needed to carry the team, he would as he threw for over 430 yards and 3 touchdowns for 43 points. The Taipans had a monumental scare when their starting QB Aaron Rodgers was carted off the field when he was told that his new girlfriend Danica Patrick is not that attractive. Rodgers came back to put up three touchdowns to keep the Taipans in the game until Monday Night. The Cats, perhaps distracted by the Bell issue, started both Amari Cooper (WR) and the Rams (DEF) - a rookie mistake which kept the Taipans in the game until the fourth quarter. Taipans were able to hang in with the Black Cats until the Rams (DEF) intercepted and returned for a pick 6. Final score Black Cass defeat the Taipans by the week's narrowest margin of 155 - 136

So after Week One - where do we stand?

Half the league is 0-1, the other half is 1-0.

Next week, we come back across the pond to the opening day for the Who Dat Nation as they host the Guns of Hochuli. The Nation and the Gunners are marked by the Vegas bookies to finish second and third, but which team will finish higher could be dependent on the result of this game in the second week. The Nation need to not let the Gunners get away with a 2-0 lead and the Gunners can separate themselves form the remainder of the division.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

For the first time in three years, Antonio Brown (WR) is not going to receive the opening week MVT. For the effort of 29 rushing yards, 2 rushing touchdown, 9 receptions for 112 yards with a receiving touchdown, and a 2 point conversion, for a total score of 49.10 points, this years opening week goes to Alvin Kamara (RB) of the Helmand Nighthawks, the Week One MVT.

[Gut Wrench]

Black Cats Purr-Fect
Taipans score 190, still lose.

Week Two in the Subsim Fantasy Football League, and with the exception of one team, the immaculate seasons are over. We'll find out which previous dual Torpedo Bowl winner didn't, which Gun didn't fire, we'll set a new high in a losing record, and we'll stare in disbelief as we look at the table and go "what the hell happened here?".

Now before we get into the happenings of the weekend, let's find out about the most important happening for you this week.

DONATE TO SUBSIM...AND NOMINATE SUBSIM FANTASY FOOTBALL FOR BEST OF SUBSIM.

On any given weekend it can happen. A team can go into a match expecting to come away with the W, and after 60 minutes, (or in some cases 75 minutes) come away with the wrong W - the W of "what happened. In the rain soaked Carolina's. fans turned out in their life rafts for a lake shore view of the Black Cats hosting the Helmand Nighthawks. Both teams are former Torpedo Bowl winners but the Nighthawks have been the dominating force in the Subsim League for the last few years. Not this weekend though, as the Black Cats caused the first major upset of the season. Not even with Greg Zuerlin (K) in pre game swimming drills pulling a muscle could the Cats be denied. The Nighthawks dual running game threat of Jarvis Landry and Alvin Kawana who dominated the Nighthawks game in the week prior were able to break through the Raiders (DEF) of the Black Cats. For the second week in a row playing a man down on the field, the Black Cats have just wiped the scoreboard of the Helmand Nighthawks and opened up Pandora's box of play off implications - and it's only week two! Black Cats come home strong and defeat the Helmand Nighthawks 145 - 132.

In the high scoring game of the Drunk Monkeys hosting the Australian Taipans, the Monkeys new assistant coach acquisition, an as yet unnamed and unidentified skirt, the Monkeys now have as many wins this week as they had last season. How is this possible for a team that could barely show up to suddenly turn up and become a power house of the Subsim League? Who could of predicted that? Oh wait - the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) have been saying for years that if the Monkeys just showed up occasionally they could be legitimate fantasy team. As this week they had to score a lot of points to get in front of the Taipans. Monkeys Deshawn Watson (QB) who was playing later after missing the team bus, was completing his final passes of the day to surpass 300 yards, and give the Monkeys a lead. Taipans played hard against the Monkeys as these two teams racked up almost a combined 400 points scoring. Ezekiel Elliot (RB) was the last player on the field needing just 12 more yards to secure the win for the Taipans, but ran out of time. (Should have played overtime, everyone else did. ) Setting a league highest losing score, the Taipans 190 points fall short of the Drunk Monkeys who hang on by the slippery banana peel of 195 points. The win has massive implications for the league pending the results of our match of the day.

After having been pummeled in the opening weekend, the Who Dat Nation returns home this week for long time adversary the Guns of Hoculi. The Gunners have yet to make any moved on their team while the Nation has already waived two players. At home, the Nation's crowd roared as the WR corp of Antonio Brown, Deandre Hopkins and A.J. Green bulldozed their way over the Gunners, outscoring them 2 - 1. Who Dat Nation gains redemption for a surprise week one loss by accounting for the Guns of Hochuli with the biggest blow out of the week, 173 - 114.


The week have several unexpected results that weren't apparent as the games were playing out. The leader board looks like this.

The Black Cats lead the league and the division at 2-0 and are the only team left undefeated. Their two wins, one of which is unexpected, is sending shivers through the league as the fans wonder if the cats are returning to purr-fect form.

At the bottom of the ladder, the Australian Taipans have their first 0-2 season in the history of their club and are thanking their lucky stars that they are only one game out of contention. Although it is only week two, the Taipans have lost both their games by the narrowest margins.

Now the middle of the league is where the real interest lies, and it doesn't start with the Helmand Nighthawks. The Drunk Monkeys high scoring victory over the Taipans propels the team to the #2 seeding on a count back of divisional standing. With the Black Cats and the Drunk Monkeys holding the #1 seed in each division, the title race is well and truly on.

The loss by the Nighthawks drops them to 1-1 also and within their division they also take the #3 seed on a count back to the Who Dat Nation. The Nations victory over the Guns of Hochuli wasn't enough to propel them to the top of the charts, but it did allow them to leapfrog the Gunners, dropping them back to the #5 seeding.

Did anyone see this coming? The Nighthawks and the Nation not leading the division? The Black Cats and the Monkeys leading their divisions? Next week our match of the day is unexpected battle of 1-1 teams as the Guns of Hochuli host the Hemlamnd Nighthawks. The Nighthawks get their second match of the day in three weeks because they're not leading the league, and a loss for either team could see them as the wooden spooners.

Did anyone think that these two teams were be fighting it out for last place? It can happen in Subsim Fantasy League.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

Who do we go to, given the turned table and the unexpected emergence of two teams not know for their domination? We have to give it to the league leader. For the effort of 7 receptions for 109 yards and 2 touchdowns, for a total score of 35.90 points, the ASW are proud to present Travic Kelce (TE) of the Black Cats the Week Two MVT.

[Gut Wrench]

BLACK CATS REMAIN ONLY UNBEATEN
Who Can Skin Them?

Week Three in the Subsim Fantasy Football League, and only one team remains unbeaten. We'll go around the grounds and find out who won, who should have won, who had no business winning, and what does this mean for the dynasty teams?

But before we do that, let's make sure that you get the following important message.

DONATE TO SUBSIM...AND NOMINATE SUBSIM FANTASY FOOTBALL FOR BEST OF SUBSIM.

This weeks match of the weekend was the Guns of Hochuli hosting the Helmand Nighthawks. Both teams were at 1-1 and perhaps their own players felt that this game was not important enough to show up for. Gunners RB Dalvin Cook and recently promoted Nighthawks kicker Dan Bailey phoned in their appearances for he weekend, from the beach. Both players were simultaneously ejected form the game and both players scored 0. With each team now playing a man down, the Nighthawks showed the way lead again by Alvin Kamara with 66 rushing yards and 15 reception for 124 yards - for a RB. Gunners RB duo of David Johnson and Tyree Hill collectively failed to score combined points to catch Kamara, leaving the way open for the Nighthawks to get their second win of the season. Nighthawks defeat the Guns of Hoculi 177 - 105.

Meeting for the second time in three weeks, the Australian Taipans had a disappointing home opener when the welcomed the Black Cats in. After a close game in week 1, the Taipans were looking to stop the rout of L's and finally get on the board. It was not to be. Taipans QB Tom Brady, brought in after the injury to their starting QB, may as well been playing with a broken collarbone only throwing the length of the concession stand. Conversely, the Black Cats QB Drew Brees put on a showcase performance that have left the media wondering if the Black Cats can go undefeated. The Taipan were able to cover the field in all positions except at QB, where they failed miserably. Black Cats advance to 3-0 and drop the Taipans to 0-3 as they "Brees" their way through in a 159 - 148 victory.

In Oregon, the Who Dat Nation have been asking the question, "Who Dat Come In and Beat The Crap out of us." The Nation were hosting the Drunk Monkeys, whom we've chronicled have a new female Assistant Coach. Perhaps she should have her own team they way she's lifted the Drunk Monkeys from "wasted potential" to championship contenders. The Nation failed to start one RB leaving the Monkeys a map up for the entire game. Not even a late game supreme scoring effort of Antonio Brown, who is yet to win a 2018 MVT, could help the Nation stop the Monkeys going bananas with their second win of the season. Drunk Monkeys run out convincing winners 149 - 119.

A quarter of the way to the post season and the league score board looks like a squirrel in a drainpipe.

The Black Cats lead the league and their division at 3-0, a game clear of their nearest divisional rivals. Whispers among the league question the validity of the Black Cats lead as they have played the bottom of the league team twice, to achieve narrow victories.

The Drunk Monkeys win of the Who Dat Nation elevates them to #2 in the league and the divisional lead of the Surface Skimmers Division. The Monkeys have come from nowhere and continue to amaze with their performance when they show up. The Monkeys share a 2-1 league record with the Helmand Nighthawks who accounted for the Guns of Hochuli. The Gunners fall to 1-2 and share the second bottom step with the Who Dat Nation. Still to record a win this season are the Australian Taipans.

Next week we follow the league leaders as the Drunk Monkeys host the Black Cats in a soft top of the leader battle. The Black Cats can open up a two game lead on the league with a win, while the Drunk Monkeys can cement themselves as a viable championship contender with a win. It's a top of the table quest that doesn't involve the Nighthawks or the Nation. Again, we keep asking, who would have thought that this could occur.

It's still early in the season so we'll see in week 16 if we're still talking the same tune.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

In the previous two weeks it was hard to determine which single player lifted their team to victory. Not this week. This week it was a unanimous decision on the part of the ASW. For the effort of 396 yards and 3 passing touchdowns, and 7 rushing yards for another 2 touchdowns, for a total score of 52.04 points, the ASW are proud to present Drew Brees of the Black Cats the Week Three MVT. This gives the Cats MVT in back to back weeks.

[Gut Wrench]

IMMACULATE SEASON OVER
New League Leader

Week Four in the Subsim Fantasy Football League, and the '72 Dolphins can pop the champagne, the immaculate season is over for all teams in the race to the Subsim Torpedo Bowl. We'll go over this weeks results, work out who the new league leader is reset the table as we go around the grounds.

As important as that is, the following is the most important message you'll have all day.

DONATE TO SUBSIM...AND NOMINATE SUBSIM FANTASY FOOTBALL FOR BEST OF SUBSIM.

It was the match which would determine who would lead the league. It was the match that would set the stage to determine whether the Drunk Monkeys had the fortitude to swing through the branches and show their red rump to the remainder of the league. What we didn't know was it was also the week that Coach FYC would schedule the wrong players and start the game without a starting RB (Adrian Peterson) and a Kicker (Geno Gano). Oh the embarrassment. Handed a gift win on silver plateau the Monkeys still showed up with a full contingent of players and just started their systematic demolition of the Black Cats. It was never going to be close, it was always going to be "by how much" even when the Monkeys do start the Browns (DEF). In the end it was 50+ point demolition. When the final whistle sounded, the Drunk Monkeys were 180 - 129 winners, with the head-to head countback handed the Drunk Monkeys, the league lead.

The Guns of Hochuli fans were seen leaving the home field well before the conclusion of the games this week as they fell to the visiting Who Dat Nation. The Gunners Coach Casey had an all-star team lead by Russell Wilson (QB), but a failure of the wide receiving corps to score any touchdowns, has left the Gunners languishing. They were not aided by the DEF (Vikings) who scored -3 points to detract from their total. Who Dat Nation skipper Phillip Rivers (QB) systematically racked up 28 points with Deandre Hopkins (WR) scoring another 38 points to complete the trail of destruction against the Gunners. Final score, the Who Dat Nation rallies over the Guns of Hochuli 149 - 94.

Helmand Nighthawks traveled on the longest "away" game of the year as they headed down under to the Australian Taipans. The Nighthawks have been stunned of late, unfashionably losing games and just not showing the historical dominance that the team is known for. The Taipans have been the surprising cellar dwellers this season, scoring a lot of points but not enough to generate that first W. That all changed this weekend as Taipans jumped out early on Thursday night to a 33 point lead. Now, the Nighthawks are not some lame ass team, and, once again, potential league MVT Alvin Kamara (RB) once again showed that he is worth the money that Coach Chris is not paying him as he steamrolled for another league leading 47 points. The Nighthawks make only one error in the weekend, in starting both Mike Evans (WR) and Chicago (DEF), but the damage was limited as Evans failed to reach the end zone. The Taipans, who are 0-3 in close games, were not going to let this one get away, and needed until early Monday night to finally put this one away. The Taipans get their first win of the season, with a record points score for the season, 219 - 190.

The surprise winners this week have scrambled the league. Let's take this apart as a collective equation to work out where the teams lay.

The win by the Drunk Monkeys over the Black Cats catapults the Monkeys to the league lead with a 3-1 record. The loss by the Cats ends the run of the last undefeated team and they drop to second in the league. The Black Cats, playing in the strongest division within the league, lead the Sub Simmers by a game.

The Helamnd Nighthawks and the Who Dat Nation are tied at 2-2, but the Nighthawks hold the count back. These two teams were expected to fight it out for the league title, are currently poised to jostle for the lower tier championship. The Australian Taipans and the Guns of Hochuli, both within the Surface Skimmers division, have given the Drunk Monkeys a two game lead as both teams languish at 1-3.

The messiness of the championship is somewhat offset in that flexible scheduling is available to the league in a deal that was brokered some years ago. No longer are fans left to watch a dull game, instead, they get the best possible match up brought to you by the people of Subsim.

Subsim. When it absolutely, positively, has to be sunk overnight.

The Nighthawks are earning their frequent flyer miles this year as we go back to Wembley next week when they host the Drunk Monkeys. The Monkeys currently lead the league, but a win to the Nighthawks could stifle that in an instant, and give us the fourth league leader in five weeks.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

For the effort of 152 rushing yards, 4 receptions for 88 yards and 1 receiving touchdown, for a total score of 40.00 points, the ASW are proud to present Ezekiel Elliott of the Australian Taipans the Week Four MVT.

[Gut Wrench]

MONKEYS DOMINATE THE NIGHTHAWKS
Maybe....they are the real deal.

Week Five in the Subsim Fantasy Football League, and this report is a first.

This report is coming to you live from the Emergency Room of a local hospital. Earlier today, your Fantasy Football reporter was involved in a multi vehicle collision on the main interstate. So far, one driver has been arrested for DUI, a second driver has been arrested for Hit and Run, and the third perpetrator (who did the damage to me) is currently wanted for Felony Hit and Run. My laptop was salvaged from the wreck and as I wait for xray, this weeks report gets to go out.

As concerning as the injury is, nothing has a higher priority that this message.

DONATE TO SUBSIM...AND NOMINATE SUBSIM FANTASY FOOTBALL FOR BEST OF SUBSIM.

It was billed as the marquee match, it was our match of the weekend which would clearly identify if the Drunk Monkeys were potential champions or just pretenders. The Monkeys did not disappoint, traveling across the pond to met the Helmand Nighthawks. Nighthawks RB Alvin Kamara has decimated teams in the first four weeks but this week, he went to sleep, handing the backfield over to Mark Ingram (more on that later). With Matt Ryan (QB) only throwing for one TB and getting sacked about 600 times, not a lot of points were scored in the traditional Helmand Nighthawks infantry. The Monkeys however, saw the opportunity and capitalized to run out a convincing win. The win by the Monkeys gives them sole ownership of the league. Final score in Wembley, the Drunk Monkeys shock the Helmand Nighthawks 136 - 119.


Oregon, and the Who Dat Nation are hosting the Australian Taipans. The Taipans cannot buy themselves an ounce of luck this year. They can still run out one of the highest scores this week and still loose by the narrowest margin. With three QB on their team the Taipans opted to start Jarred Goff this week against the Nations Phillip Rivers (QB). This game went back and forth in scores until late Sunday when the Nation just pulled ahead. It was in the running game that the Nation saw the return of Mark Ingram (RB) who late on Monday night was able to put the game out of reach for the Nation with two touchdowns. Final score - The Nation defeats the Taipans 171 - 156.


Vegas had the line on the Black cats and Guns of Hochuli and nobody, nobody had any money on the Gunners this week. Boy were they in for a rude shock. When the Cats entire wide receiving corp failed to score a touchdown, the window to thieve this game away opened. The Gunners, who had quietly been stunned, were not going to let the opportunity pass by and despite starting a RB on vacation and playing a man down, were still able to pull out a much needed victory to keep the Gunners on track to return to their powerhouse glory. Final score Guns of Hochuli 169 - 130 - a huge blow out and once again raising those questions about the Black Cats.


The mixed board of results has scattered most of the league. At the top of the table the Drunk Monkeys own the league at 4-1, a game clear of the followers. It's in the next level of rankings that the scattering has occurred. The win over the Taipans elevates the Who Dat Nation to 3-2, tieing with the Black cats with the same record. One game black the Helmand Nighthawks are in trouble at 2-3 as they share that step of the podium with the Guns of Hochuli. The Taipans bring up the rear at 1-4 knowing that they could be 4-1 but for the odd touchdown.


The structuring of the Subsim season always tries to make the highlights the best game on paper each week. With the shattered positioning, the selection of games becomes slightly harder, but next week there is only one game that really stands out as the best game. The Drunk Monkeys welcome the Helmand Nighthawks to town and we'll be there to catch the coverage. The Monkeys with just a couple more wins can sew up the divisional title (are you kidding we're talking about this in week 6?) while the Helmand Nighthawks can turn their season around to reach .500%. A must see game for the squirrels out there.


Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

For the effort of 6 receptions for 101 yards and 2 receiving touchdowns, for a total score of 34.10 points, the ASW are proud to present Antonio Brown of the Who Dat Nation the Week Five MVT.

[Gut Wrench]

TAIPANS HOLD OFF FIRING GUNNERS
League Seeding Gets Mixed Up

Week Six in the Subsim Fantasy Football League. I'm out of hospital, ego bruised, vehicle damaged, and livid at the suspended license and no insurance driver that hit me. But hey, there's far more important things to get through tonight.

And the most important message of the night is the following:


DONATE TO SUBSIM...AND NOMINATE SUBSIM FANTASY FOOTBALL FOR BEST OF SUBSIM.

Our match of the week was high scoring fast shooting affair in the cold tundra of Cleveland as the Drunk Monkeys welcomed the Helmand Nighthawks to town. The Monkeys, perennial wannabes in year gone by have found a secret weapon this year - a woman!. Who'd have thought that a woman would elevate your fantasies? Nighthawks fly in after a surprising number of losses which put them a few games back of the league leaders. Nighthawks could upset the league standings and stop what is beginning to look like a runaway by the Monkeys. This was a shoot out and a half, with Saffon Barkley (RB) coming out on Thursday night with 130 rushing yards and 99 receiving yards. 99 yards - would that 1 yard for the Nighthawks be a deciding six point factor? Monkeys RB Todd Gurley and Melvin Gordon recaptured the lead - momentarily, with a combined 5 TD's before Nighthawks hot shot Matt Ryan (QB) put them back in front with another 3 TD's. Monkeys and Nighthawks played back and forth as Patrick Mahones (QB) gave the Monkeys a slight lead, outperforming Ryan with one additional TD. Nighthawks feel the scourge of scoring a lot of points but still not getting the win. Drunk Monkeys assert their stamp as the dominatrix beating the Nighthawks 219 - 174.

Coach Casey and the Guns of Hochuli host their long time rival the Australian Taipans at their home field in a battle for the bottom of the Surface Skimmers Division. Gunners have been surprisingly quieter this year, and this was noticeable on the team charts when they started both David Johnson (RB) and Minnesota (DEF). Gunners started early with Odell Beckham (WR) but it was the Taipans backfield where their two RB's scored over 59 points combined that gave them the lead. With a 49 point lead on Monday, you may have been tempted to award the biggest blow out of the week to the Taipans - not the Gunners. Devote Adams (WR) took 10 receptions for 132 yards and 2 TD's to score 41 points, but it was not to be enough as time ran out on the last play. Taipans hold on having played their first week of the season without overtime to win 183 - 177. This game becomes pivotal for the Drunk Monkeys aspirations to win the division.

Our third and final game was a nail biter with the Black Cats hosting the Who Dat Nation. After breaking the world record for most yards, Drew Brees (QB) was given the day off, and Coach FYC Failed to start their back up. The situation was compounded when Amari Cooper (WR) took the day off with Brees to go fly kites, leaving the Cats two players down. The Nation with a golden opportunity to steal one away, but their back field only ran for a combined 54 yards. The Nation were further hindered by Jacksonville (DEF) who surrounded -1 points. Coach Fuel For Blood needed just eight points on Monday night from their kicker to steal this game. Who Dat Nation gets one that the Black Cats had no business winning, 113 - 105.

This week creates a mix up on the board that needs to be addressed.

The Drunk Monkeys at 5-1 lead the league and hold a two game lead over the division. The Monkeys are almost into the post season needing just a couple more wins to cement their appearance. The Who Dat Nation with their "nearly lost it" game to the Black Cats and the results of other games elevate them to the #2 seed, and are the new divisional leader in the Sub Simmers Division. The loss by the Black Cats to the Nation drops them back .500% and second place in the division.

It's the next part that gets a little messy.

The win by the Australian Taipans lelevates them to 2-4 and on the count back to the fourth place in the league. The Nighthawks loss drops their performance to 2-4 but they loose the first countback to the Taipans. The Gunners loss also results in a 2-4 record but the second countback drops them from third in the league, to sixth. The Taipans and the Gunners still have to play each other again so one of these two teams needs to get moving to challenge the Drunk Monkeys. The Subsimmers Division of the Nation, Cats and Nighthawks are within two games and is too close to call.

Next week we go back up to Oregon where the Who Dat Nation gets to host the Helmand Nighthawks. The Nighthawks need to stay pace with the Nation and not fall back out of contention. The two powerhouses of the league while not leading this year, are in for the biggest game of the season so far.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

For the effort of 2 receptions for 17 yards and 208 rushing yards for 2 rushing touchdowns, for a total score of 42.50 points, the ASW are proud to present Todd Gurley of the Drunk Monkeys the Week Six MVT.

[Gut Wrench]

DRUNK MONKEYS DRAMA ON AND OFF THE FIELD
Taipans Annihilate Black Cats


Week Seven in the Subsim Fantasy Football League. We are exactly half way through the season and this week's results gives no additional clarity to the end of year positioning. In fact, following the prematch "incident" at the Guns of Hochuli home game, we're not really sure who had a bad day at that game.

Let's get to this weeks matches, go around the grounds, catch up on the feed and look at that incident with the Drunk Monkeys management team that lead to an ejection from all future fantasy games.

But before we do that, you all got the email from Onkeal Neal. It's that time of year to dig deep and do the right thing.

DONATE TO SUBSIM...AND NOMINATE SUBSIM FANTASY FOOTBALL FOR BEST OF SUBSIM.

Where to start? Everybody wants to talk about it, but we'll get to that incident momentarily.

Our match of the day this week was the Who Dat Nation hosting the Helmand Nighthawks. These two powerhouses of football have struggled this year - not to score points, but to get those wins. Last years championship contenders were re-matching this week, for a top and bottom battle of the Sub Simmers Division. The division is in a state on uncertainty given that the third team lead the division - until last week. This division, while still the stronger of the two divisions, is going through some challenges. There's no clear leader of the division just yet, and conversely, there's no clear sinking ship within the division. Who Dat Nation started Thursday night with Cam McCafferty (RB) unopposed, opening up a healthy lead. Phillip Rivers (QB) just managed to get 300 yards before the first Nighthawk even took the field - but when they did, the chase was on. Consistency right across the board with two of the Nighthawk WR both receiving more than 100 yards was the key to the Nighthawk change of fortune. Nighthawks were able to outplay each of the Nation positional players by just a few points, that they did not even need to start Matt Ryan (QB) on Monday night. Nighthawks mail this one in easily defeating the Who Dat Nation, 163 - 104.

Downunder, the Australian Taipans were hosting the Black Cats. The talk of the pre game discussion was the Black Cats star Amari Cooper (WR) who last week, took vacation time mid season to hang out with Drew Brees. After missing the team bus, Coach FYC was brutal with Cooper, advising that if he missed any further time he'd be facing relegation. Sure enough, Cooper failed to board the plane south, and at last reports, had been relegated to some second rate team in Texas. Coach FYC though, forgetting the time zone difference, failed to advise of the relegation in time and was forced to start a non-player. This was always going to be a problems as the Cats; with the exception of their first round win, have been the leagues lowest scoring team this season. And they were playing the leagues highest scoring team. This one wasn't even close. With the Colts (DEF) scoring double figures, the Taipans blew out the Black Cats 177 - 104.

Now, onto that incident.

The Associated Subsim League (ASW) do not condone violence of any sort, and stand by the Commissioners decision prior to the start of the game. We do not have the video footage of this incident, but we do know from eyewitness accounts, that the recently acquired Assistant Manager of the Drunk Monkeys went bat **** crazy for no reason. Seated in the front row was an unidentified female who when Coach Gargamel ran onto the field during warm up, was heard to say ""Oh, he's got a cute ass, I'd like to meet him."

Well, the Drunk Monkeys Assistant Coach heard this and it was on. She ripped off her shirt, climbed the six feet railing and stole two pitchers of beer from nearby patrons, and poured them over herself and the unidentified girl. Then, the Assistant Coach began ripping the shirt off the unidentified girl, screaming obscenities that caused several players to pause and take notes. An entire SWAT team was called in to quell the disturbance with the Assistant Coach of the Monkeys being ejected form the grounds. Prior to the start of the game, the Commissioner announced that the Assistant Coach had been ejected, and as she had breached the League's "No Crazy Women" policy, was hereafter banned from all future matches.

During the fracas, Coach Gargamel attempted to break up the disturbance, yelling "my ass is not worth it". Gargamel sustained a slap across the face, which after the fracas, was tended to by the unidentified girl. Following the game, a photograph of the girl was captured, as Coach Gargamel returned to his hotel room. Her name has not yet been announced.





After all that excitement, it was down to football. The Guns of Hoculi were hosting the Drunk Monkeys in what would be a nail biting game. Gunners started Thursday with Carson Wentz (QB) opening up an early lead. Gunners played most of their team early when Justin Tucker (K) missed his first field goal since he was 5 years of age. Monkeys would need everyone on the team to chase down the score, and with Todd Gurley (RB) crossing for 2 touchdowns, they held a slight lead on Monday night. Gunners only had one player left on Monday night, O'Dell Beckham Jnr (WR) who would need at least one touchdown and 150 yards to topple the Monkeys. Beckhan eventually would receive a touchdown but not enough yardage on the final play of the night. Drunk Monkeys after the pregame frivolities, hang on to narrowly beat the Guns of Hochuli 158 - 153.

After the game when meeting the media and asked about the pregame incident, Coach Gargamel said "we came to play the Guns of Hochuli...and nothing else."

Now comes the tough part. It's halfway through the season, but the year is not clear.

Drunk Monkeys lead the league at 6-1 and the Surface Skimmers Division by three games. Last week we predicted that the Monkeys would need a couple more wins before clinching a post season berth. Despite winning, the Monkeys are no closer to securing the position. The win by the Australian Taipans elevates them to 3-4 and the #3 seeding in the league. The Guns of Hochuli at 2-5 and are seeded 6th. Despite holding a three game difference, it is because the balance of the league all have to play the Monkeys again, in some cases twice, that they are not secure. Monkeys need to steal one or two wins to cement their position as league champions.


Over in the Sub Simmers division its slightly clearer. The Who Dat Nation at 4-3 lead the division, but have to play the Drunk Monkeys twice in the rest of the year. The Nation could knock the Monkeys out of the league lead, and drop the Monkeys into a countback within their division. The Helmand Nighthawks are 3-4 and with the Who Dat Nation, represent the engine house of the league which met in last years Torpedo Bowl. The loss by the Black cats drops them to 3-4 losing the countback to the Nighthawks. This division is up for grabs if one team can grab hold and begin a winning streak.

Next week we go back to the Monkeys for their match up against the Australian Taipans. The Taipans need the win to prevent the Monkeys from running away, and the Monkeys need to reestablish their dominance by putting away the highest scoring team in the league. Should be a shoot out.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

For the effort of 358 passing yards for 4 touchdowns and rushing for 45 yards, for a total score of 46.82 points, the ASW are proud to present Patrick Mahonnes (QB) of the Drunk Monkeys the Week Seven MVT.