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Old 02-08-18, 07:17 AM   #9736
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Mahatma Gandhi often walked barefoot which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.
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Old 02-08-18, 09:05 AM   #9737
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Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing one another for almost a decade.
Utkarsh: "What are you doing these days?"
Sparsh: "PHD."
Utkarsh: "Wow! You're a doctor!"
Sparsh: "No, Pizza Home Delivery."
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Old 02-08-18, 09:10 AM   #9738
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What does one graduate say to another, in Germany?
"A portion fish'n chips, please"
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Old 02-09-18, 07:06 AM   #9739
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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over the policeman says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
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Old 02-09-18, 10:59 AM   #9740
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A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender, "Can I have a cigarette?"
The bartender replies, "Sure, the cigarette machine is over there."
So he walks over to the machine and as he is about to order a cigarette, the machine suddenly says, "Oi, you bloody idiot."
The man says with surprise in his voice, "That's not very nice."
He returns to his bar stool without a cigarette and asks the bartender for some peanuts. The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and the man hears one of the peanuts speak, "Ooh, I like your hair."
The man says to the bartender, "Hey, what's going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me. Why's this?"
The bartender replies, "Oh, that's because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complementary."
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Old 02-10-18, 06:48 AM   #9741
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Jim, Scott and Alex are tired after traveling all day and check into a hotel. When they get to reception, they find out they'll have to walk 75 flights of stairs to get to their room because the elevator is out of order. Jim suggests that they do something interesting to pass time while they walk the 75 flights. Jim will tell jokes, Scott will sing songs, and Alex will tell sad stories. So Jim tells jokes for 25 flights, Scott sings songs for 25 flights and Alex tells sad stories for 24 flights. When they reach the 75th floor, Alex tells his saddest story of all, "Guys, I left our room key at reception."
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Old 02-10-18, 10:34 AM   #9742
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Two guys are driving down 5th Avenue in Manhattan when they come up to a red light. The guy driving slams the gas pedal and they go zooming past the red light.
His friend looks at him and says, "Hey, you just went through a red light." The guy driving says, "Don't worry about it. My brother does it all the time." So they keep driving and they come to a second red light. The guy driving slams on the gas pedal and zooms past another red light.
His friend is pretty mad, looks at him and says, "Hey man, you just went through another red light. What the heck are you doing?"
The guy driving tells his friend, "Don't worry about it. My brother does this all the time."
They come to a third red light and the guy driving slams on the gas, zooming past the red light. His friend starts screaming at him, "What the heck? You're going to get us killed! Pull over and let me out."
The guy driving screams back at him, "I'm telling you: don't worry about it. My brother, he does it all the time."
So they keep driving and they come to a green light. The guy driving slams on the brakes. His friend looks at him and says, "Are you out of your mind? What the heck is wrong with you? You go flying past three red lights, almost getting us killed, and then you slam on the brakes when you have a green light?"
The guy driving looks at his friend and says, "I had to stop; my brother might have been coming."
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Old 02-11-18, 05:46 AM   #9743
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A disciple went to his master and said, "I have served you faithfully for ten years. Now I have a wish: give me something to eat which will never end."
His master said, "Here, have some chewing gum."
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Old 02-11-18, 09:03 AM   #9744
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A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.
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Old 02-12-18, 04:51 AM   #9745
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An Indian cab driver picked up a Japanese man from a hotel. Along the way, they saw a Honda motorcycle overtake the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Motorcycle very fast, made in Japan." Then a Toyota car overtook the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Car very fast, made in Japan." When they reached the destination the fare was 1500 rupees. The Japanese man thought the ride was would only cost 500 rupees. He asked the driver why the ride was so expensive. The driver said, "Meter very fast, made in India."
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Old 02-12-18, 12:01 PM   #9746
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A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!"
And the priest says, "No son, you're not."
So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!"
Then the priest says, "No son, you're not."
Finally, the drunk had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "Jesus Christ, you're back AGAIN?"
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Old 02-13-18, 06:11 AM   #9747
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Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub, arms around each other, loudly singing Kenny Rodgers. "Hey," said one, "I think we're drunk."
"You are right, and according to the law I will have to charge you with being drunk and disorderly," said his mate. "And you will have to appear before me at 10AM tomorrow," said the first.
Next morning in court, the first pleaded guilty to the charge and was fined $10. They then switched places. "Drunk and disorderly, eh? You are fined $20." "Hey," protested the first, "When I was in the chair I only fined you $10!"
"Yes," said the second judge, "But the offence is becoming too common. You are the second drunk to appear before the court this morning."
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Old 02-13-18, 12:57 PM   #9748
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A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”
Another Roman walks up to the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”
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Old 02-14-18, 05:57 AM   #9749
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One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?"
He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class."
She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?"
Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"
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Old 02-14-18, 10:06 AM   #9750
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A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?"
He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later."
The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
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