The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

My nine-year-old daughter walked in while I was getting ready for work. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"Putting on my wrinkle cream," I answered.

"Oh," she said, walking away. "I thought they were natural."

[Jimbuna]

For her 40th birthday, my wife said, "I’d love to be ten again." So that Saturday, we had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favourite childhood breakfast. Then we hit the playground and a merry-go-round. We finished the day with a banana split.

"So how did you enjoy being a kid for a day?" I asked.

"Great," she said. "But when I said I wanted to be ten again, I meant my dress size."

[Skybird]

A series of cartoons by bogartcreek, with English text a bit down that page, when there are left and right arrows beside the cartoon. Black humour - you are warned.

https://ze.tt/hol-dir-ein-schlechtes...easer.teaser.x

[fireftr18]

Originally Posted by Skybird

A series of cartoons by bogartcreek, with English text a bit down that page, when there are left and right arrows beside the cartoon. Black humour - you are warned.

https://ze.tt/hol-dir-ein-schlechtes...easer.teaser.x

Thanks for your "warning." If not for that, I wouldn't have looked at it.

[Catfish]

Meanwhile, in Iran.

"If we do not build the bomb, Trump will be our best friend."
"OMG Build it!"

[Jimbuna]

"How was your blind date?"

"Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls-Royce."

"What’s so terrible about that?"

"He was the original owner."

[Jimbuna]

The biggest loser at the local weight-loss club was an elderly woman. "How’d you do it?" she was asked. "Easy," she said. "Every night I take my teeth out at six o’clock."

[Jimbuna]

John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother’s house for a visit. There’s a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and John and his friends start snacking on them. When they’re ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma’am, and thank you for the peanuts." Grandma says, "You’re welcome. Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."

[Jimbuna]

My diminutive aunt Flora, just four feet, nine inches tall, accepted an offer to visit a health club for a free session. After being greeted heartily, she was shown where she could change and told an instructor would soon be with her.

Having changed her clothes, Aunt Flora went back to the exercise area. Along one wall she noticed a silver bar that was not in use, and decided to try her hand at chin-ups while she waited. She jumped up, barely reaching the bar, and managed to strain through two chin-ups before the instructor came to her side.

Smiling politely, the instructor said, "If you want to let go of the coat rack and follow me, I’ll be glad to help you get started."

[Armistead]

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

[BossMark]

A married couple were enjoying a luxury South Sea cruise until their liner was shipwrecked and they were washed ashore on a desert island, the only survivors.

Day after day, they looked hopefully out to sea in the hope of spotting a passing vessel but none came. As boredom set in, they started to think about their home back in Arizona.

The wife asked, “Did you remember to pay the final installment on the Chevrolet before we came away?”

“No, honey, I clean forgot. Sorry.”

”Did you remember to pay the electric bill before we left home?”

“No, I completely forgot. Sorry.”

”Did you remember to pay the gas bill?”

”Do you know, that slipped my mind, too. Sorry.”

“And did you remember to pay the six-monthly tax bill?”

”I knew there was something important I had to do. I’m really sorry honey.”

”Well, at least there’s one good thing,” sighed the wife.

“What’s that?”

”They’ll find us.”

[Jimbuna]

Bob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding they pass a drugstore. Bob suggests they go in.

Bob asks to speak to the pharmacist. He explains they’re about to get married, and asks, "Do you sell heart medication?"

"Of course we do," the pharmacist replies.

"Medicine for rheumatism?"

"Definitely," he says.

"How about Viagra?"

"Of course."

"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

"Yes, the works."

"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?"

"Absolutely."

"Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

"All speeds and sizes."

"Good," Bob says to the pharmacist. "We’d like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."

[Catfish]

An American is taking a flight operated by Russian airlines.
The flight attendant comes up to him and asks,“Would you like to eat?”
“What are the options?” he asks. “Yes and no.”

[Jimbuna]

[Jimbuna]

My grandfather has a knack for looking on the bright side of life. Even after receiving the terrible diagnosis that he had Alzheimer’s, he was philosophical.

"There’s one good thing that’ll come from this," he told my father.

"What’s that?" asked Dad.

"Now I can hide my own Easter eggs."