SUBSIM Radio Room Forums



SUBSIM: The Web's #1 resource for all submarine & naval simulations since 1997

Go Back   SUBSIM Radio Room Forums > General > General Topics
Forget password? Reset here

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 06-18-11, 08:17 AM   #16
Jimbuna
Chief of the Boat
 
Jimbuna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: 250 metres below the surface
Posts: 180,290
Downloads: 63
Uploads: 13


Default

As a substitute teacher, the principle was showing me round on my first day. He said, 'every child is different, take this young boy for example.'


That is my defence, your honor.
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!!


GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)
Jimbuna is online  
Old 06-18-11, 08:52 AM   #17
Blood_splat
Samurai Navy
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beneath the waves
Posts: 568
Downloads: 20
Uploads: 0
Default

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Blood_splat is offline  
Old 06-18-11, 09:59 AM   #18
BossMark
Fleet Admiral
 
BossMark's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire
Posts: 15,272
Downloads: 278
Uploads: 0
Default

TEACHER: "Tell me, Johnny, which is the best time to pick pears? Spring, summer, autumn or winter?"

JOHNNY: "The best time to pick pears is when the farmer is not at home and there's no dog on the farm."
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ________
At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from the class, and she discovered little Jimmy with a cat up his jumper.

She said, "Why have you got your cat at school?"

Little Jimmy started crying. "I woke up this morning to hear the postman tell Mummy 'I'm gonna eat your p*ssy today!"
__________________
Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now
BossMark is offline  
Old 06-18-11, 10:12 AM   #19
Hottentot
Sea Lord
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: My private socialist utopia of Finland
Posts: 1,918
Downloads: 4
Uploads: 0


Default

Back in Soviet Union (yeah, sue me), there is an empty house with a piece of paper on the table. The paper reads in descending order:

"13:45. I'm off to watch a political education film with comrades, after which we shall discuss the glorious future and best ways of achieving communism. I'll be home late. Long live the Party!
-Father"

"15:15. Hi all, I visited home, but had to leave again. I'm going to the factory, after which me and the shock worker comrades shall celebrate the shining equality the Party has given us by letting women work in factories. There is a meal ready in the fridge. Don't expect me before midnight. Long live the Party!
Yours: Mother."

"16:30. Greetings, dear family! I'm sorry I can't participate in our home activities today. I need to attend a Komsomol meeting. We shall be discussing our new methods of cultural revolution and how to better educate people of their duties and place in the mighty new system. I'll try not to wake you up when I come home. Long live the Party!
Son"

"18:00. Hello. I ate all alone. Since no one was home, I left to spend time with my Pioneer comrades. We are going to sing songs of great Lenin and our fatherly Stalin all night! I think I'll be sleeping in the Pioneer house, that the Party has given us in their wisdom and love. Long live the Party!
See you! Daughter."

"23:10. I have stolen everything you owned. Thanks to the Party!
Sincerely: Burglar."
__________________
Хотели как лучше, а получилось как всегда.
Hottentot is offline  
Old 06-18-11, 01:40 PM   #20
Sailor Steve
Eternal Patrol
 
Sailor Steve's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: High in the mountains of Utah
Posts: 50,369
Downloads: 745
Uploads: 249


Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hottentot View Post
Back in Soviet Union (yeah, sue me)
You started it!




Yuri: "Comrade, what is difference between Capitalism and Communism?"

Boris: "I don't know, comrade. What is difference between Capitalism and Communism?"

Yuri: "Under Capitalism Man subjugates and abues his fellow man, using him for his own nefarious purposes!"

Boris: "And Communism?"

Yuri: "Is other way around!"
__________________
“Never do anything you can't take back.”
—Rocky Russo
Sailor Steve is offline  
Old 06-18-11, 03:04 PM   #21
Jimbuna
Chief of the Boat
 
Jimbuna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: 250 metres below the surface
Posts: 180,290
Downloads: 63
Uploads: 13


Default

I was driving my wife to work this morning when she suddenly pushed my hand from the gear lever.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Well," she said, "I've kept quiet for too long and I'm sick of you not concentrating on your driving - you do the steering and I'll stir the petrol."
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!!


GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)
Jimbuna is online  
Old 06-18-11, 03:20 PM   #22
Platapus
Fleet Admiral
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 18,852
Downloads: 63
Uploads: 0


Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hottentot View Post
Back in Soviet Union (yeah, sue me)
Well if we are going to do Soviet Union jokes...

Two men were riding on a bus in the Soviet Union. One man was sitting down and the other man was standing in front of him but was standing directly on the sitting man's foot.

Sitting man: Excuse me, but are you in the military?

Standing man: No, I'm not

Sitting man: Are you a member of our glorious security forces?

Standing man: No, I'm not

Sitting man: Are you in any way associated with our government?

Standing man: No, I am afraid not

Sitting man: Then get your ^$%#$ foot off of mine!

---
(this one came from a book on Soviet humor)

Two men were sitting in the park next to the embassies in Moscow. They were watching all the diplomatic cars near the embassies.

First man: "Look at that Mercedes. Mercedes Benz is one of the best cars in the world."

Second man: "The Lada is better"

First man looks in disbelief and then says. "Look that that Rolls. Rolls Royce. Now that is probably the best car in the world"

Second man: "The Lada is much better"

First man shakes his head. "Look at that Bentley. Bentleys are one of the best cars on the market"

Second man: "The Lada is clearly better"

First man says "you don't seem to know a lot about cars"

Second man "Oh I know a lot about cars. I just don't know a lot about you"
__________________
abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.
Platapus is offline  
Old 06-18-11, 03:31 PM   #23
Jimbuna
Chief of the Boat
 
Jimbuna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: 250 metres below the surface
Posts: 180,290
Downloads: 63
Uploads: 13


Default

Just bought a feather duster.

If there's one thing I can't stand it's filthy chickens.
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!!


GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)
Jimbuna is online  
Old 06-18-11, 03:40 PM   #24
Platapus
Fleet Admiral
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 18,852
Downloads: 63
Uploads: 0


Default

The other day I bought a decaffeinated coffee table

I can't tell if from a regular coffee table
__________________
abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.
Platapus is offline  
Old 06-18-11, 04:05 PM   #25
MH
Ocean Warrior
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 3,184
Downloads: 248
Uploads: 0
Default

In communist Russia the party member Sergei Ivanovich wakes up in the morning.
He open the windows and greets the sun:
'Good morning comrade sun"
The sun replays 'Good morning comrade Sergei Ivanovich'
In the noon when Sergei goes for lunch he greets sun again:
'Good day comrade sun"
The sun replays smiling 'Good day comrade Sergei Ivanovich'
After day of work in the evening he greets sun again
'Have good evening comrade sun'
The sun makes a face and replays:
'Sod off in in the west now"
MH is offline  
Old 06-18-11, 04:50 PM   #26
Jimbuna
Chief of the Boat
 
Jimbuna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: 250 metres below the surface
Posts: 180,290
Downloads: 63
Uploads: 13


Default

LOL
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!!


GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)
Jimbuna is online  
Old 06-18-11, 05:05 PM   #27
MH
Ocean Warrior
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 3,184
Downloads: 248
Uploads: 0
Default

Some recent one....


How many Arabs does it take to change a light ball?
One Arab and 100 left activists to scream discrimination.
MH is offline  
Old 06-18-11, 06:19 PM   #28
Platapus
Fleet Admiral
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 18,852
Downloads: 63
Uploads: 0


Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MH View Post
Some recent one....


How many Arabs does it take to change a light ball?
One Arab and 100 left activists to scream discrimination.
sigh
__________________
abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.
Platapus is offline  
Old 06-19-11, 12:28 AM   #29
magic452
Sea Lord
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Reno Nevada USA
Posts: 1,859
Downloads: 85
Uploads: 0
Default

Back to blonds. They are more fun.

I was sitting at home one Saturday and answered a knock on the door.
There stood a pretty blond and said she " I need to earn some money for collage, do you have any work for me?"

I told her that I would give her $200.00 to paint the porch.
She agreed and I went and got her a bucket of paint and a brush.

About an hour later she came to the door and said that she was done painting. I gave her the $200.00 and she thanked me and said as she was leaving "Oh buy the way your porch is really a BMW."

Magic
__________________

Reported lost 11 Feb. 1942
Signature by depthtok33l
magic452 is offline  
Old 06-19-11, 12:39 AM   #30
Hottentot
Sea Lord
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: My private socialist utopia of Finland
Posts: 1,918
Downloads: 4
Uploads: 0


Default

@Steve and Platapus: . Thanks, my collection of Soviet jokes just improved. I wonder if I can use these in my thesis somehow...

Anyway...

Three men are in an art gallery. One of them is from France, another from Britain and the third one from the Soviet Union. They admire a painting depicting Biblical view of Adam and Eve in the paradise.

"Look at how elegant and sophisticated they are", says the Briton. "I'm sure they were British! Only a Briton can have such majesty!"

"No no no", the Frenchman objects. "Look how beautiful they are! Everyone knows that the French are the most beutiful and stylish people in the world, so they obviously must be French!"

"You're both wrong", the Soviet man snorts. "They have no clothes and no homes to live in. They grow apples but are not allowed to eat them. And all they while they are being told by a higher authority that they are living in a paradise. They must be from the Soviet Union."
__________________
Хотели как лучше, а получилось как всегда.
Hottentot is offline  
Closed Thread

Tags
jokes

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:46 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.11
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright © 1995- 2024 Subsim®
"Subsim" is a registered trademark, all rights reserved.