The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend asked, "Do you want to get married?"

I said, "Sure."

She said, "Great, when?"

I said, "Well like every other guy, when I meet the right girl."

[Platapus]

Why did the employees of the United States Mint go on strike?

They wanted to make less money per hour.

[Lord_magerius]

I was just looking through my spam email when I saw this advert.

"Penis Enlargement - 80% off"

Surely that's not an enlargement.

[Jimbuna]

For Fathers day, Bin Laden's wives all chipped in and bought the kids..

..Scuba Gear

[Flaxpants]

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea
Q: What do you a call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no idea
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls?
A: Still no ********n idea!

[BossMark]

A plane is on its way to London when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to London."

[Castout]

I just hope with the many blonde jokes out there it's not because many guys have been burned with one.

That's a funny one though. Made me laugh.

[BossMark]

Originally Posted by Castout

I just hope with the many blonde jokes out there it's not because many guys have been burned with one.

Nope, my ex wife is a blonde (we departed on good terms) and my current girlfriend is blonde

[Jimbuna]

I'm a woman, and I'm tired of you all claiming that men are smarter than women.

My husband has finally proven you all wrong.

He texted me just before - "Jane my little brunette bunny I cannot wait to have a night of loving tonight! Hope you're ready for the best sex you've ever had . xxx"

What an idiot. First of all, my name is Sarah, secondly I'm blonde, and thirdly he's away at a conference tonight!

[BossMark]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £250 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"

[Jimbuna]

I asked my teacher for advice when taking my maths exam and he said that you should always read through the paper first.

That's the last time I listen to him, I was halfway through my horoscope when I heard "Ok, pencils down".

[BossMark]

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mummy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do." The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."

[simon.c]

two Irishmen in a boat fishing

Mick- "why dya tink dem frogmen go over der side backwards?"

Paddy "Are ya daft or what, if dey went fowards dey would still be in the boat!

[Jimbuna]

"I'm sick of you teasing me about my weight," my wife snapped as she walked out the door.

"Please babe don't go," I pleaded. "Think of our son."

"What son?" She said.

"You're not pregnant?"

[BossMark]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were captured by cannibals and told that If they could not escape, each of them would be skinned and eaten and their skin turned into a canoe. Each was allowed one weapon to help him escape. The Englishman chose a gun but he soon ran out of bullets and was captured. He was skinned, eaten and his skin turned into a canoe. The Scotsman chose a knife but he was soon overpowered by The cannibals. He was skinned, eaten and his skin turned into a canoe. The Irishman asked for a fork.
'A fork?' they said. 'You won't get very far with that.' The Irishman grabbed The fork, pricked himself all over with it and said, 'now try turning my skin into a canoe.'