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Old 02-16-19, 06:34 AM   #706
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A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting unexplainable wind shifts.

“Do you know where the sensor is located?” my coworker asked.

“Of course,” he responded. “It’s where we park the helicopters.”
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Old 02-16-19, 07:31 AM   #707
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A German shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat all died at the same moment. They found themselves before the Throne of God, who asked them what they believed.

"I believe in unquestioning loyalty and obedience to my master," said the shepherd.

"Excellent, replied God, "You may sit at my right hand. And you?" he asked the Doberman.

"I believe in protecting my master and his family at all costs."

"Excellent, replied God, "You may sit at my left hand. And what about you, cat?"

"I believe you are in my chair."
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Old 02-17-19, 07:32 AM   #708
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One of my insurance customers faxed over the police report from an auto accident. Several weeks later, she called asking for information from that report.

“Didn’t you keep the original copy?” I asked.

“No,” she said. “I faxed it to you.”
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Old 02-17-19, 11:14 AM   #709
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Saw this sign on a shop that was going out of business in a shopping centre recently...

“Sorry, no public restroom. Try amazon.com.”
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Old 02-17-19, 06:42 PM   #710
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I've had a really bad day.

First, my ex. got run over by a bus, and then I was fired from my job as a bus driver.
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Old 02-18-19, 07:51 AM   #711
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The China National Tourism Administration has created tips for its citizens when traveling abroad, including:

• Don’t steal life vests from airplanes to give as gifts.

• Don’t leave footprints on the toilet.

• Don’t dry your underwear on lampshades.
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Old 02-18-19, 10:38 AM   #712
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A fellow found an old lamp and gave it a rub. Out popped a genie.

"I am the genie of the lamp. I grant you three wishes. What is your first wish?"

"I wish you were bad at arithmetic."

"Done," said the genie. "You now have 14 wishes."
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Old 02-18-19, 01:00 PM   #713
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The waitress was refilling cups of coffee when she stopped at the table next to ours. "Regular?" she asked her customer.

"Yes, thank you," said the man. "Due to a steady diet of fruit."
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Old 02-18-19, 03:37 PM   #714
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Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief, suffering and stomach acid years after it's been consumed.

It's called wedding cake.
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Old 02-19-19, 09:08 AM   #715
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Old 02-19-19, 03:07 PM   #716
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Old 02-19-19, 03:55 PM   #717
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A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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Old 02-19-19, 06:55 PM   #718
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Platapus View Post
A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Why do i feel like i participated in that study?
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Old 02-20-19, 07:20 AM   #719
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Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you’d like to lose a half pound right now, press "1" 18,000 times.
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Old 02-21-19, 07:12 AM   #720
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Our coworker Patrick shared his worst workday ever. He was at an appliance store and the delivery truck had broken down, which meant he was flooded with angry phone calls from customers. One irate caller canceled the delivery and told Patrick what he could do with it.

"I’m sorry," said Patrick. "That’s impossible. I already have a stove, a vacuum cleaner, and a microwave up there."
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