SUBSIM Radio Room Forums



SUBSIM: The Web's #1 resource for all submarine & naval simulations since 1997

Go Back   SUBSIM Radio Room Forums > General > General Topics
Forget password? Reset here

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 05-23-19, 06:02 AM   #916
Jimbuna
Chief of the Boat
 
Jimbuna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: 250 metres below the surface
Posts: 180,310
Downloads: 63
Uploads: 13


Default

A Priest is driving down a country lane when he comes across a dead Baboon lying in the road.He went into the Police station to inform them of his find.A cocky young desk Sargeant laughed and asked,"did you give it the last rites?"."No"said the Priest,"I thought I'd best inform his next of kin first".
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!!


GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)
Jimbuna is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-23-19, 07:53 AM   #917
BossMark
Fleet Admiral
 
BossMark's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire
Posts: 15,272
Downloads: 278
Uploads: 0
Default

Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp. “What happened to you?” asks, the bartender. “Jamie O’Conner and I had a fight,” says Paddy. “That little sod, O’Conner,” says the bartender, “He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.” “That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.” “Well,” says the bartender, “you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?” “That I did,” said Paddy. “Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”
__________________
Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now
BossMark is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-23-19, 08:35 AM   #918
Jimbuna
Chief of the Boat
 
Jimbuna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: 250 metres below the surface
Posts: 180,310
Downloads: 63
Uploads: 13


Default

A man and his wife were taking an afternoon drive through the countryside. They had just had a big argument and were not talking to one another. Finally the husband decided to break the silence and say something sarcastic to his wife: “Look at all the cows and pigs in the pasture. Don’t they remind you of your relatives?”

The wife replied, “Yes, they do. They remind me of my in-laws.”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!!


GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)
Jimbuna is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-24-19, 02:32 AM   #919
BossMark
Fleet Admiral
 
BossMark's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire
Posts: 15,272
Downloads: 278
Uploads: 0
Default

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.
"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: "Never mind, I found one!"










A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
__________________
Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now
BossMark is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-24-19, 05:57 AM   #920
Jimbuna
Chief of the Boat
 
Jimbuna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: 250 metres below the surface
Posts: 180,310
Downloads: 63
Uploads: 13


Default

With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!!


GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)
Jimbuna is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-24-19, 10:49 AM   #921
BossMark
Fleet Admiral
 
BossMark's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire
Posts: 15,272
Downloads: 278
Uploads: 0
Default

A blonde police officer stops a car. In the car sits a blonde woman. The police officer asks for her driving license. The blonde woman is a bit puzzled and asks what a driving license is?

The blonde officer explains that it is the little thing with her picture on it.

The blonde woman roots through her handbag and fishes out her little cosmetic mirror. She hands it to the blonde police officer. The officer looks at it and says: Oh I’m sorry ma’am – I didn’t know you were also with the force. Please, drive on. “
__________________
Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now
BossMark is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-24-19, 10:53 AM   #922
BossMark
Fleet Admiral
 
BossMark's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire
Posts: 15,272
Downloads: 278
Uploads: 0
Default

One blonde says to the other: "I did a pregnancy test."

The other nods appreciatively and asks, "And, were the questions really hard?"
__________________
Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now
BossMark is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-24-19, 01:15 PM   #923
Platapus
Fleet Admiral
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 18,855
Downloads: 63
Uploads: 0


Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jimbuna View Post
With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”



And THIS pun does not warrant an infraction????????


That pun was so bad, I wished I had thought of it.
__________________
abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.
Platapus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-25-19, 06:09 AM   #924
Jimbuna
Chief of the Boat
 
Jimbuna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: 250 metres below the surface
Posts: 180,310
Downloads: 63
Uploads: 13


Default

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench, watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people enter the house; A while later, they watch three people leave the house.

The physicist says, “The initial measurement wasn’t accurate.”

The biologist counters, “They must have reproduced.”

Finally, the mathematician suggests, “If one more person enters the house, then it will be empty again.”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!!


GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)
Jimbuna is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-25-19, 06:10 AM   #925
Jimbuna
Chief of the Boat
 
Jimbuna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: 250 metres below the surface
Posts: 180,310
Downloads: 63
Uploads: 13


Default

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.

Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, “Ah, a solution exists!” and then goes back to bed.
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!!


GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)
Jimbuna is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-25-19, 03:47 PM   #926
Platapus
Fleet Admiral
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 18,855
Downloads: 63
Uploads: 0


Default

A mathematician, a physicist, and a mechanical engineer are given a test


They are told that if they enter a room, there is a voluptuous sexy lady at the opposite end of the room, waiting for each of them. The catch is that at any one time, they can only advance toward her half the remaining distance.



The mathematician does not even bother entering the room and explains that if he can only advance half the remaining distance that he will never be able to cross to the end of the room.


The physicist at least enters the room, takes some measurements, and leaves agreeing with the mathematician, but at least the physicist has measurements to back up his answer.



The Mechanical engineer goes in to the room, and one hour later comes out smoking a cigarette, hair messed, covered with lipstick kisses and a big grin in his face.


The mathematician and physicist protest both pointing out that by going only half the remaining distance that the end of room can never be reached.


The mechanical engineer replies that they are both right, but advance enough times it will be close enough for all practical purposes.
__________________
abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.
Platapus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-26-19, 05:05 AM   #927
Jimbuna
Chief of the Boat
 
Jimbuna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: 250 metres below the surface
Posts: 180,310
Downloads: 63
Uploads: 13


Default

When the sergeant told our new commander that his driver could not participate in an upcoming field 
maneuver because she was pregnant, the enraged commander demanded to know just how pregnant she was.

The sergeant’s reply: “Completely, sir.”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!!


GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)
Jimbuna is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-26-19, 05:07 AM   #928
Jimbuna
Chief of the Boat
 
Jimbuna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: 250 metres below the surface
Posts: 180,310
Downloads: 63
Uploads: 13


Default

My 90-year-old dad was giving 
a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences. During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, “How did you know the war was over?”

He replied, “When they stopped shooting at me.”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!!


GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)
Jimbuna is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-27-19, 06:21 AM   #929
Jimbuna
Chief of the Boat
 
Jimbuna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: 250 metres below the surface
Posts: 180,310
Downloads: 63
Uploads: 13


Default

During orientation at Fort Sill, in Oklahoma, our first sergeant stated that if anyone lost his locker key to see him, as he kept a master key in his office. Sure enough, a few weeks later, I lost my key. I walked into the orderly’s room and asked Sarge if I could borrow his master key.

“Why, certainly, young man,” he said, as he reached under his desk and handed me a large pair of bolt cutters.
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!!


GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)
Jimbuna is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-27-19, 02:08 PM   #930
Jimbuna
Chief of the Boat
 
Jimbuna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: 250 metres below the surface
Posts: 180,310
Downloads: 63
Uploads: 13


Default

Humankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there.
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!!


GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)
Jimbuna is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:07 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.11
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright © 1995- 2024 Subsim®
"Subsim" is a registered trademark, all rights reserved.