The joke thread - Page 138

Kongo Otto · 07-07-2012, 07:51 AM

The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."
The poll was a total failure.
The Russians did not understand "Please".
The Italians did not know the word "honest".
The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was.
The Europeans did not know "lack", while the***65279; Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of the world".

Kongo Otto · 07-07-2012, 07:55 AM

Hitler is being driven around as suddenly his chauffeur runs over a pig.
Hitler declares that since he is the Führer he will tell the Farmer.
3 Minutes later Hitler runs for the car as fast as he can while the farmer is shooting at him.
As they escape they run over another farmer's pig, now***65279; it's the chauffeur's time.
5 hours later the chauffeur returns utterly plastered and when Hitler aks him what has happened he responds:"I just told them 'Heil Hitler, the sow is dead!"

Sailor Steve · 07-07-2012, 08:11 AM

If you're going to copy and paste, at least edit the parts that don't translate.

Jimbuna · 07-07-2012, 11:11 AM

The makers of GoalRef and Hawk-Eye goal-line technology have told Rangers they can't use the system next season.

Apparently it doesn't work with goal posts made from jumpers.

RundownJet · 07-07-2012, 11:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

Absolute fantasy, pure and simple. I heard the story in 1970, and it was the battleship New Jersey, and it turned out to be false then. Apparently it's at least as old as 1939. It's been told and retold a thousand times, and it's never been "an actual transcript".

It's been told here several times, and it's never been true.
http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp

yeah, I discovered that AFTER I posted the stupid thing. Feel like a dumba** for that one. But I was in a rush so I didn't have time to edit it so it would reflect that it wasen't true.

Sailor Steve · 07-07-2012, 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RundownJet

yeah, I discovered that AFTER I posted the stupid thing. Feel like a dumba** for that one. But I was in a rush so I didn't have time to edit it so it would reflect that it wasen't true.

It's okay. If I had a dollar for every time I've done something stupid on these boards I'd have a new computer. I only get my back up about that one because it has been told so many times here.

You had no way of knowing that, though. All in good fun.

RundownJet · 07-07-2012, 11:54 AM

And now, More jokes.

What safety features do medicine bottles in Florida have? They have Tampa-proof caps.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

RundownJet · 07-07-2012, 11:56 AM

When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken..Eh?

Jimbuna · 07-07-2012, 12:11 PM

The wife hinted she wanted something special and expensive to put in her bath for her birthday.

This Harrods top of the range toaster should do the trick.

BossMark · 07-07-2012, 03:17 PM

Hospitals report that the hearts of bankers are in strong demand by transplant patients, because they’ve never been used.

BossMark · 07-07-2012, 03:20 PM

Barclay's have been fined £290million for fixing interest rates. They say they can’t pay because all their money is tied up in a NatWest account.

Jimbuna · 07-07-2012, 04:26 PM

It cost me a fortune for my wife and kids at Alton Towers today.

They can think again if they think I'm paying the ransom again on the Somali pirate ship.

BossMark · 07-08-2012, 02:49 AM

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."

"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."'

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

"What was that for?" he complained.

"Your dog called last night."

Jimbuna · 07-08-2012, 10:26 AM

"Can you go and get a large screwdriver, I'm trying to fix the door hinge?" My wife asked

"Erm ok, I can do that." I told her before I went downstairs and made myself a pint of vodka and orange juice.

BossMark · 07-09-2012, 06:07 AM

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

07-07-2012, 07:51 AM	#2056
Kongo Otto Samurai Navy Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Augsburg / Germany Posts: 595 Downloads: 126 Uploads: 0	The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world." The poll was a total failure. The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Europeans did not know "lack", while the*65279; Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of the world". __________________ Yvonne*: The Torchwood Institute has a motto: If it's alien, it's ours.* And if it comes from the sky, we strip it down, and we use it—for the good of the British Empire. Jackie: For the good of the what? Yvonne: The British Empire. Jackie: There isn't a British Empire. Yvonne: Not yet.

07-07-2012, 07:55 AM	#2057
Kongo Otto Samurai Navy Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Augsburg / Germany Posts: 595 Downloads: 126 Uploads: 0	Hitler is being driven around as suddenly his chauffeur runs over a pig. Hitler declares that since he is the Führer he will tell the Farmer. 3 Minutes later Hitler runs for the car as fast as he can while the farmer is shooting at him. As they escape they run over another farmer's pig, now*65279; it's the chauffeur's time. 5 hours later the chauffeur returns utterly plastered and when Hitler aks him what has happened he responds:"I just told them 'Heil Hitler, the sow is dead!" __________________ Yvonne*: The Torchwood Institute has a motto: If it's alien, it's ours.* And if it comes from the sky, we strip it down, and we use it—for the good of the British Empire. Jackie: For the good of the what? Yvonne: The British Empire. Jackie: There isn't a British Empire. Yvonne: Not yet.

07-07-2012, 08:11 AM	#2058
Sailor Steve Just A Kid At Heart Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: 600 miles from the nearest ocean. Posts: 44,883 Downloads: 406 Uploads: 227	If you're going to copy and paste, at least edit the parts that don't translate. __________________ "Human beings are perhaps never more frightening than when they are convinced beyond doubt that they are right." – Laurens van der Post

07-07-2012, 11:11 AM	#2059
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 82,679 Downloads: 42 Uploads: 8	The makers of GoalRef and Hawk-Eye goal-line technology have told Rangers they can't use the system next season. Apparently it doesn't work with goal posts made from jumpers. __________________ Stop following me...I'm lost!! GWX3.0 Download Page http://www.mediafire.com/myfiles.php?r=nkjkl#j35rkcr24g8d2 GWX Website/Home Page Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) http://www.subsim.com/subsim_files/gwx_donation1207.php

07-07-2012, 11:54 AM	#2062
RundownJet Mate Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: N.B. Canada...Eh? Posts: 57 Downloads: 43 Uploads: 0	And now, More jokes. What safety features do medicine bottles in Florida have? They have Tampa-proof caps. _-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_ Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! __________________ *Canadians Don't Say Eh, At the end of every sentence...Eh?*

07-07-2012, 11:56 AM	#2063
RundownJet Mate Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: N.B. Canada...Eh? Posts: 57 Downloads: 43 Uploads: 0	When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken..Eh? __________________ *Canadians Don't Say Eh, At the end of every sentence...Eh?*

07-07-2012, 12:11 PM	#2064
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 82,679 Downloads: 42 Uploads: 8	The wife hinted she wanted something special and expensive to put in her bath for her birthday. This Harrods top of the range toaster should do the trick. __________________ Stop following me...I'm lost!! GWX3.0 Download Page http://www.mediafire.com/myfiles.php?r=nkjkl#j35rkcr24g8d2 GWX Website/Home Page Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) http://www.subsim.com/subsim_files/gwx_donation1207.php

07-07-2012, 03:17 PM	#2065
BossMark Tory Hunter Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, England Posts: 9,863 Downloads: 254 Uploads: 0	Hospitals report that the hearts of bankers are in strong demand by transplant patients, because they’ve never been used. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what dodgy Dave ConMan is doing now

07-07-2012, 03:20 PM	#2066
BossMark Tory Hunter Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, England Posts: 9,863 Downloads: 254 Uploads: 0	Barclay's have been fined £290million for fixing interest rates. They say they can’t pay because all their money is tied up in a NatWest account. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what dodgy Dave ConMan is doing now

07-07-2012, 04:26 PM	#2067
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 82,679 Downloads: 42 Uploads: 8	It cost me a fortune for my wife and kids at Alton Towers today. They can think again if they think I'm paying the ransom again on the Somali pirate ship. __________________ Stop following me...I'm lost!! GWX3.0 Download Page http://www.mediafire.com/myfiles.php?r=nkjkl#j35rkcr24g8d2 GWX Website/Home Page Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) http://www.subsim.com/subsim_files/gwx_donation1207.php

07-08-2012, 02:49 AM	#2068
BossMark Tory Hunter Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, England Posts: 9,863 Downloads: 254 Uploads: 0	A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation." "Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."' The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again. "What was that for?" he complained. "Your dog called last night." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what dodgy Dave ConMan is doing now

07-08-2012, 10:26 AM	#2069
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 82,679 Downloads: 42 Uploads: 8	"Can you go and get a large screwdriver, I'm trying to fix the door hinge?" My wife asked "Erm ok, I can do that." I told her before I went downstairs and made myself a pint of vodka and orange juice. __________________ Stop following me...I'm lost!! GWX3.0 Download Page http://www.mediafire.com/myfiles.php?r=nkjkl#j35rkcr24g8d2 GWX Website/Home Page Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) http://www.subsim.com/subsim_files/gwx_donation1207.php

07-09-2012, 06:07 AM	#2070
BossMark Tory Hunter Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, England Posts: 9,863 Downloads: 254 Uploads: 0	I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what dodgy Dave ConMan is doing now

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