A kid asks his dad, "What's a man?" The dad says, "A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family."
The kid says, "I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!"

A married couple, Harry and Esther, are out shopping one morning when Esther says, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She said she would like something electric."
Harry replies, "How about a chair?"

Little Johnny's new baby brother is screaming up a storm. He asks his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother replies, "He came from Heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "Wow! I can see why they threw him out!"

A boy was going through his grandmother's wallet one night and found her ID card. "Grandma?" he asked,"How much do you weigh?"
His grandmother replied, "That's not an appropriate question, Jimmy"
He then asked, "How old are you?"
She again replied, "That's not appropriate, Jimmy."
Finally he asked, "Grandma, why did grandpa leave you?"
Before she had time to answer, Jimmy looked at the card and said, "Oh I see, it's because you got an 'F' in sex."

A fourth grade teacher asks the class, "Have any of you ever saved somebody's life?"
A little boy raises his hand, "Yes, my little nephew's."
"Wow, what a little hero you are! How did you do that, sweetie?" asks the teacher.
The little guy replies, "I hid my sister's birth control pills!"

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me £25,000."
"Hey, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me £90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"Then last month, my aunt died and left me £15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

Two men are talking and one says to the other, “My wife’s doctor says she has menopause, and, man, has she been moody lately. How long do the symptoms of menopause usually last?”
The other man replies, “Let me put it this way: menopause will be listed as the cause on your death certificate.”

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"
Johnny says, "None."
The teacher asks, "Why?"
Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."
The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."
Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"
The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream."
Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

Three men are all working on building a house. They go up to the roof for lunch, and unwrapped their sandwiches. The Brunette says "if I get one more Tuna sandwich, I'm going to jump off this roof and kill myself. The black haired one says "if I get one more pickle and lettuce sandwich, I, too, am going to jump off this roof and kill myself. The blonde looks at his sandwich and also declares, "if I get one more peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I'm going to jump off this roof and kill myself."
The next day, they all get the same sandwiches and kill themselves. That night, their wives all meet up and mourn. "If I had known that my husband was going to kill himself over a sandwich, I wouldn't have given it to him." The brunette cries. "Same," the raven head replies. They both look at the blonde. "Don't look at me, he packed his own lunch!"

A little kid was out trick-or-treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He rang a house's doorbell and the door was opened by a lady. "Oh, how cute! A little pirate! And where are your buccaneers?" she asked.
The boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."

Three men all die on Christmas Day and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who should go to hell, but because it's Christmas, he'll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them.
One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in.
Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in.
The third guy pulls out a pair of panties.
"How do those represent Christmas?" asks Peter.
"These are Carol's."

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.


Bob has been missing since Friday.

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear.
Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"
The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of an eighteen year old."
"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?"
She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

Not a Joke , but a true story.

Back in the '80s one of my workmates had to provide a urine sample for his doctor. So he did it in an empty plastic orange juice bottle and put it in the fridge in the lunchroom at work. Good hygiene.

His girlfriend was working alongside him, earning some extra money for xmas. So it being a hot day and feeling thirsty:) she heads to the lunch room for a drink of water.

She comes back a few minutes later pulling all sorts of faces. She says "you should chuck out that orange juice in the fridge, it's gone off, it's the worst I've ever tasted".

All us guys just didn't say a word.